Archives for October 2010

delusion: the gift that keeps on giving

No one has ever verbally confirmed it, but I’m pretty sure I’m a genius.

Shortly after Harv and I started dating, he confessed that he had never used a coupon. Actually, confessed may be the wrong word…too repentant. Harv proudly declared that he would never be a victim in The Coupon Scam.

I took a few days to mull over our relationship.

Negative: This man threw away pennies and refused to clip coupons.

Positive: He was patient, loving, kind, intelligent, diligent, confident, generous, honest, handsome, understanding, empathetic, modest, funny, sincere, thoughtful, proactive, insightful, forgiving, attentive, romantic, an excellent cook, amenable to housework, not controlling, not prone to jealousy and understanding of girl time.

No side was the clear winner. Obviously, I had a lot to think about.

Undeterred by his lack of interest in saving hundreds and hundreds of cents, I secretly formulated a plan. For a whole week, I studiously clipped coupons from newspapers and scouted the internet for money-saving deals. I tracked my savings in a little notebook and circled my discounts on all the receipts for added emphasis.

At the end of the week, I smugly revealed my secret, weeklong experiment. I laid out all the receipts and calculated our total savings. I even modeled a beautiful pair of shoes I purchased with the money we would have spent had I not been so diligent and thrifty. Surely, he would see the merit in coupon clipping now.

Genius. Pure genius.

He looked over the receipts and then gently took my hand between his.

“It’s pretty amazing that you saved almost $45 this week using coupons.
You were right. I was wrong.
But the shoes cost $300. That’s not saving money.
That’s Lizanomics.”

It’s a shame my listening skills only picked up

“It’s pretty amazing that you saved almost $45 this week using coupons.
You were right. I was wrong.
The savings paid for the shoes!
That’s Lizanomics!

When smart people comment:
I’m just sorry that Harv is so bad with math. -Jenny, the Bloggess

In shoe money, $300 and $45 are pretty much the same thing.
Lizanomics is awesome. -Dana

photo via marthastewart.com

 

turn your baggage into a bag of tricks

My name is Elizabeth.I am homeless.
I am messy.
I am a woman prepared for anything.

A long time ago, before I developed a love for free napkins, I always had a tidy, well-organized purse. Actually, I had a well-organized everything. An obsessive-compulsive friend once swooned over my sock drawer. I’m not bragging. I’m just stating a fact.

Then, at an amusement park one day, a bird mistook my arm for a bathroom. A bird who had obviously enjoyed a large meal before taking a cruise through the park. What do you know….not a napkin in sight.

I began stuffing napkins into my purse every time I saw them. Assured that I was prepared for anything, I walked around with one eye tilted upward, quietly muttering,

“Bring it, bitches. I’m ready.”
Recently, I didn’t have my purse. Why? I was venturing a mere five blocks to quell my soda addiction. Bird attacks? No way! Not in the safety of my car!
 
It’s too bad I promptly spilled all 32 ounces of sugary soda glory onto the gear shifter. In my attempt to catch the falling drink, I sliced my knuckle open on the plastic lid rim.  No napkins. No bandages.

Why had I been so shortsighted? Clearly, I was only prepared for bird attacks. Soda spills inside the car? A bodily injury? Anything could happen at any time.  I only live a few miles from the beach. What if I get sand in my eye? I wash my hands a lot. They could get chapped…I need lotion! I do care about my colon. I need fiber cereal!

There’s a difference between leading a cluttered life and a prepared life. I’m on the right side of the fence. I think.