Archives for December 2011

Monday Dare: Are we just friends because of my money?

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Win the lottery.

I don’t want to dump a shitload of shocking information on you during the holidays, but I think we know each other well enough for me to divulge difficult things from time to time.

I’ve never won the lottery.

Hold me.

For several years as a kid, I forced my parents to order magazines from the Publishers Clearing House. I just knew I was going to be one of the lucky few featured on those commercials. You know the one: flashy van, big cardboard check, cheap helium balloons, and lots of screaming. Since I wasn’t yet the legal age to win, I asked my mom to be the frontman for the operation, and in return, I would cut her in on 15% of the winnings.

“It’s always a good idea to get in on the ground floor,” I told her repeatedly. Her English was shaky at best, so she didn’t really understand me. If we’re being honest, I didn’t really understand what I was saying either, but it sounded good. Besides, who the fuck cared if I made any sense? I was going to be rich.

Each year, my mom ordered one or two magazine subscriptions. I had a system; I never ordered the popular magazines. Only the especially obscure ones would do. I felt that it gave me a certain edge over the sad fools who ordered their Sports Illustrated or Good Housekeeping.

I just knew that my orders for Africa Birds & Birding and KitPlanes would catch the eye of the right person at the Clearing House, and they would think, “Yes, this person here really deserves a million dollars a year for the rest of her life. Let’s go and change her world.”

They say the best revenge is living well. Personally, I think the best revenge is living well and knowing the inner workings of homebuilt aviation, courtesy of my two-year subscription to KitPlanes. Oh hell yes, you want a piece of this??

I entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes today. I find out on February 29th if I’m a winner. My thinking is that yes, I have this one in the bag. Just to be safe, I will also purchase a lottery ticket from the corner market. AND, I will also give Cal additional homework to do during winter break. That way, if nothing pans out, she has a fighting chance at securing a good job. I will just mooch off of her hard work for the rest of my life.

I plan to use my winnings wisely. I asked Harv to track down the complete set of Garbage Pail Kids trading cards as a Christmas gift. Guess what wasn’t under the tree yesterday?

What would you buy if you won the lottery today?
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Monday Dare: Do not disturb. Busy doing nothing.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Do jack shit. 

Sometimes, I like to wake up in the morning and treat myself to this thought: How can I get through this day doing as little work as possible? 

For at least three solid minutes, I just lie in bed, imagining what it would be like to not get out of bed except to open the door for the buffalo wings delivery man. I would eat the whole order in bed with a gallon of Coke and those frosted animal cookies with the little round sprinkles.

I would spend the day watching a marathon of Locked Up Abroad, picking stray round sprinkles from my pajamas and popping them in my mouth. People would call and ask what I was doing. Everyone would get the same answer: “Oh, you know, just working, working, working.” I would ding a little bell I keep handy next to my bed and say, “That’s the darn laundry machine. I have to go put the load in the dryer now,” hang up, and go back to doing nothing.

Then, when I hear footsteps outside the bedroom, I would close my eyes and start snoring (softly, I think it’s more realistic that way). If Cal or Harv call out, “Hello, hello, are you awake?” I would stir just a little and make a slight grimace. They would feel bad for disturbing my much-needed break and walk away, a little dejected and a little guilt-ridden.

Since I’m super clumsy, I might knock over my gallon of Coke and drench my super festive Target pajamas. After staring at it for a long second, I’d shout, “FUCK. SHIT. DAMN.” Instead of getting out of bed, I would most likely just strip off my pillow cover and stuff it under by shirt and pants- kind of like a baby bib, but better because it would be underneath my clothes and not stupid-looking like all those baby ones that have sayings like “I only cry when ugly people hold me” and “If you think I’m cute, you should see my uncle!”

This has never happened. Yet.

The holidays always leave me frazzled. So instead of buying myself something really fabulous this year, wrapping it up, and putting it under the tree with a tag that reads “From a secret admirer,” I’m going to give myself the gift of Doing Jack Shit. If I could package and sell it, I bet I would be a megajillionaire.

Happy Holidays to me.

What are you folks doing for the holidays? If you had a day to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?

You. Me. Facebook. Let’s make it happen.
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