02.06.12

Monday Dare: Sometimes, I try to act like a ninja.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Just say no.

I don’t know who invented the word “yes,” but I wish I could beat the shit out of him.

Listen, this is really important. Don’t open your front door. Ever. Don’t open your side door or garage door either if you hear a knock or a whistle. Is it okay to peek out the window to see who’s knocking? Maybe. But only if you know you’re not going to get caught.

This is even more important-er. DO NOT look out of your peephole. Why? Because the person standing on the other side will know someone is home. The little speck of light shining through the hole disappears when you stand in front of it. You think you’re being a ninja, but no, my friend, no.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m brave. I’ll open the door if I want.”

Then let me ask you this: Do you have a lot of money just laying around the house? Because you’re going to need it if you decide to open that door.

I share these nuggets of wisdom from experience.

Boy: (yelling) I can see you in there.

Me: (standing perfectly still, not breathing)

Boy: Ma’am, I really need your help.

Me: (sigh, I done got caught again)

Boy: Hello, my name is Jeremy from Pine Junior High School. I’m selling candy bars. How many you would like?

Me: Well, son, I’m on a cleanse right now, so I can’t have any candy.

Boy: Please help me see the splendors of Sacramento. We’re going on a field trip to see the state capitol, and I have a feeling it’s going to change my life. Won’t you help make my dream come true?

Me: YES. Gimme the whole box.

Or maybe you accidentally pick up a phone call from one of your “friends.” I put that in quotes because real friends never ask things like “Will you keep me company at the DMV for eleven or twelve hours?” or “Can you help me wash the bloodstains from my shirt? I had a rough night.” Actually, real friends ask each other for these kinds of favors all the time, but they will never, ever start the conversation with just a general, “Hey, are you free tomorrow?” Real friends will always state the request first, and then ask if you are free, leaving you an easy out in case you want to be a horrible human being who denies friends in their greatest times of need.

It’s tough to say no, but sometimes, you just gotta do it. I’ve had to learn the hard way that my time is precious too. I now consider my time precious and expensive because hey, if I’m not at the DMV for eleven or twelve hours, maybe I could use that time to get a job at Hot Dog on a Stick, and then I would have at least fifty extra dollars I didn’t have before (after taxes, I like to keep shit real) and then BAM, I’m kind of rich. Rich with free hot dog privileges.

Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no?

P.S. My amazingly funny and fucked-up friends, Noa Gavin and Alicia Sherrod, invited me to be a guest on Episode 2 of their new podcast series, The League of Funny Bitches. I may have said things like “Dead people can’t fight back” and “I don’t know how I ended up getting that lap dance.” You can download it for free here.

image via pinterest

February 6, 2012
01.16.12

Monday Dare: (T)hug Life

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Come at me. Let’s hug this shit out. 

I don’t really like it when people touch me. Maybe if you buy me dinner and drinks first, then I’d be okay with it. Or if you give me money. Nevermind that this description has many uncanny similarities to the oldest profession in the world. Let’s move right along.

The other day, I decided to do a few things I don’t normally do. I did my hair. I put on some chapstick. And I left the house. I mean, yes, I leave my house all the time because laundry detergent and Baked Lays Potato Chips don’t buy themselves, but I rarely go out at night in Los Angeles because I save all my Going Out Time to visit my two best friends who don’t live in California. (Side note: I really love you bitches, but somebody is going to have to move real soon, and it’s not going to be me.)

After watching a string of filthy-mouthed comedians who made me blush and laugh at the same time, I made my way to the afterparty. Ah, afterparties. Nothing good ever happens at those, so if you go to one, you’re tacitly consenting to a.) getting shitfaced, b.) talking shit, or c.) all of the above.

I ran into a new friend. We hugged. It was nice. I didn’t have to do that awkward pyramid hug where I keep my feet firmly planted two feet away and just our shoulders touch. You know what I’m talking about, yes? She didn’t try to run her hand up and down my back. She didn’t try to air kiss both my cheeks. I left the scene unscathed.

Then I ran into an old friend. One I hadn’t seen in years. He approached with his arms spread loud and proud, and before I had a chance to run away, we were making full body contact. The kind where our nether regions briefly say “hello” and “how the hell are ya” to each other before parting ways. And then he patted my head. Tell me, friends, do I look like a dog? I was stunned into silence which made my friend feel awkward, and he walked away with a look that suspiciously resembled “that bitch be trippin.”

I think a little body wiggle action amongst good friends is great. If I’ve had a particularly bad day, a solid hug from someone I love is just what I need, but I’m always awkward about doing something so intimate with people I’ve just met. A lot of times, it comes across as aloof or self-righteous. I don’t mean it that way… I’m just really fucking awkward, that’s all.

What are your personal space boundaries? Any awkward moments?

January 16, 2012