I like to give out free advice. Actually, I prefer to be paid, but no one’s willing to fork over any cash, so I’m giving away my golden nuggets of wisdom for free. You’re welcome. 

Sometimes, I give out advice, and I know it’s well-received because no one punches me in the face. Like Saturday. I found out on Facebook that my brother, Marshall, got engaged. I texted him: “Congrats! Also, some free advice- CALL first with any future big news before posting on Facebook. Please.” He agreed. We hugged via text.

His bride-to-be is kind and lovely and so ladylike. Clearly, we are very different people. I’m looking forward to having a sister-in-law.

Well, I already have a sister-in-law….but that brings us to the other times I give out free advice, and people hang up on me.

In Ellen’s defense, I might have spooked her with my stalkerish ways. When I found out that Harv’s brother, Terry, and his wife, Ellen, were moving to the area, I called every week for a whole month to arrange a get-together. How about a family dinner? Let’s get the kids together! Wanna go get our toenails painted and drink cheap champagne?

After five messages, Ellen finally called back and reluctantly agreed to a family dinner. I add “reluctantly” because she was all “Welllll, yeah, I *guess* we can do something together.” Those might have been her exact words. It didn’t bother me. Stalkers never let little things like disdain get in the way. I was determined to be Ellen’s friend…whether she liked it or not.

At dinner, she called me “fancy” and rolled her eyes. She gave one-word responses. No biggie, I thought. I’m gonna wear this homette down until we’re bosom buds. 

Soon after, at another dinner, Ellen refused to say hello and avoided eye contact or conversation the entire time. In my head, she and I were at a sample sale, one of us distracting the masses away from the 70% off sweaters while the other dug through the pile for both of our sizes. I let that fantasy carry me through the whole 90-minute dinner.

Since I’m such a lady, I did what I thought was best. I wrote her a scathing email with a shitload of free advice which may or may not have included phrases such as:

• I’m more than slightly mortified that we are connected in any way.
• Your continued insolence is no longer acceptable.
• I don’t wish ill on you. I wish you the best of luck. Because you’re going to need it.

She forwarded it to my in-laws. I called her. She hung up.

We haven’t spoken since. I’ve been thinking about her lately. Cal doesn’t have many cousins, and if I have to make amends so she can have buddies to raise hell with as a teen, I’m willing to do it.

So, I’d love YOUR free-of-charge advice. Should I reach out to her? Make peace?

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