Monday Dare: This one may kill me. Nice knowing you.

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Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.This week: Swallow my pride

I like to give out free advice. Actually, I prefer to be paid, but no one’s willing to fork over any cash, so I’m giving away my golden nuggets of wisdom for free. You’re welcome. 

Sometimes, I give out advice, and I know it’s well-received because no one punches me in the face. Like Saturday. I found out on Facebook that my brother, Marshall, got engaged. I texted him: “Congrats! Also, some free advice- CALL first with any future big news before posting on Facebook. Please.” He agreed. We hugged via text.

His bride-to-be is kind and lovely and so ladylike. Clearly, we are very different people. I’m looking forward to having a sister-in-law.

Well, I already have a sister-in-law….but that brings us to the other times I give out free advice, and people hang up on me.

In Ellen’s defense, I might have spooked her with my stalkerish ways. When I found out that Harv’s brother, Terry, and his wife, Ellen, were moving to the area, I called every week for a whole month to arrange a get-together. How about a family dinner? Let’s get the kids together! Wanna go get our toenails painted and drink cheap champagne?

After five messages, Ellen finally called back and reluctantly agreed to a family dinner. I add “reluctantly” because she was all “Welllll, yeah, I *guess* we can do something together.” Those might have been her exact words. It didn’t bother me. Stalkers never let little things like disdain get in the way. I was determined to be Ellen’s friend…whether she liked it or not.

At dinner, she called me “fancy” and rolled her eyes. She gave one-word responses. No biggie, I thought. I’m gonna wear this homette down until we’re bosom buds. 

Soon after, at another dinner, Ellen refused to say hello and avoided eye contact or conversation the entire time. In my head, she and I were at a sample sale, one of us distracting the masses away from the 70% off sweaters while the other dug through the pile for both of our sizes. I let that fantasy carry me through the whole 90-minute dinner.

Since I’m such a lady, I did what I thought was best. I wrote her a scathing email with a shitload of free advice which may or may not have included phrases such as:

  • I’m more than slightly mortified that we are connected in any way.
  • Your continued insolence is no longer acceptable.
  • I don’t wish ill on you. I wish you the best of luck. Because you’re going to need it.

She forwarded it to my in-laws. I called her. She hung up.

We haven’t spoken since. I’ve been thinking about her lately. Cal doesn’t have many cousins, and if I have to make amends so she can have buddies to raise hell with as a teen, I’m willing to do it.

So, I’d love YOUR free-of-charge advice. Should I reach out to her? Make peace?

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  1. Go ahead and send an apology and make peace, but don’t assume that she’ll be as gracious.  Cal may be better off with one fewer friend, YOU FEEL ME?

  2. Hell, don’t ask me. The last time I felt something should be done my way, I rammed some bitch with my mom’s mobility scooter. And she almost kicked my ass.
    Maybe, try sobriety? In hindsight, it *might* have helped me. Can people get DUIs on mobility scooters? Even on Disney property? Have I said too much?

    • In cali you can in fact get a dui on a mobility scooter, and a skateboard, and a horse for that matter. Probably in other states too. I am far to knowledgeable about this subject for never having had one but Misty may be a bigger help. I just avoid…

      • Wait . . . are you trying to say I would know more about this because of my extensive history of DUIs on scooters?  Damn, how did you find out?  I thought I got all that expunged!  :)

        I heard that there was a guy one time that put a motor in his barcolounger and was drunk and driving the thing down a road, crashing into shit.  Pretty sure that was a new one for the old police department, but I’m thinking he did get a DUI.  Pretty sure most statutes define it as “a moving vehicle” and that can be a broad definition, based on interpretation of the courts.

        • oh, no implications from me… wink, nudge. I was actually the DUI clerk for a ticket happy county in Cali for a long time and thus am well versed in their wonderous ways. Seriously anything that moves can get you a DUI here. And, if you are sleeping it off in your car but the keys are somewhere in the vehicle… they can getcha for that too, intent. yay. But I’m not atty.

        • Misty- If I was ever going to get a DUI, a motorized barcalounger would be the way to go. Everything else just seems so…pedestrian. 

      • Sars- FORREALZ?? So…anything that moves can get you a DUI? I probably should never leave the house then. Damn damn damn.

      • Don’t forget on a bike too!

    • Fearless- Do you think your mom would let me ride her mobility scooter? Oh pleasse? That sounds like shitloads of fun…and a cool weapon. 

      You haven’t said too much. Just enough for me to get the picture that I would have lots of fun with you. Let’s hang.

  3. I only have three cousins and they’re all douchebags; Cal isn’t missing out on a thing. You are too fabulous to grovel, my dear.  I suggest you just send her a picture of your bedazzled shiv and let a bitch know what’s up.

  4. having already established the fact that i am the only girl in my family… it’s time to expound. i have two sisters-in law. they’re both from russia. don’t even try to guess how i got so lucky. i was looking for a stephanie or a jennifer to make their way into my family…. and i got a ludmilla and an oksana.

    both bearing 100% wrath of russian women.

    i’m constantly dodging laser eyes and fireballs.

    and just the other day my mom told me she’d take me to disneyland for christmas if i played nice to my 22 year old sister-in-law after she sent an ugly, feisty email full of assumptions and misplaced anger. 

    i’ll send you a postcard from downtown disney.

  5. Glenda Stoneback says

    I have a sister in law like that and wouldn’t you know it, less than one minute after my husband and I were seated in a nice booth at Texas Roadhouse, she ended up seated RIGHT behind me! We did the mature thing and pretended we didn’t see her.

  6. I reaaaaallly don’t get along with my husband’s brother’s wife (my sister-in-law-in-law?). Ugh. She’s awful. I mostly ignore her.
    But I don’t get this Ellen lady – why would she pass on a chance to be homies with someone as cool as you? I say email her and focus just on the kiddos at first… “Cal’s been asking about her cousins – can we arrange a play date?” Lure her in with your calm, distant coolness. Then BAM! You’ll be homies before you know it.

  7. I don’t like my sister in law at all.  AT ALL.  She is an overbearing bitch, and dammit- I feel better just saying it.  She knows everything, and even schedules my poor niece’s pooping times.  Niece doesn’t poop on schedule?  Oh hell…time to pack everyone in the car and go to the emergency room.  It is RIDICULOUS.  You better believe she’s tried to offer me plenty of free advice, too.   

    When I got pregnant, she was pissed that I told my parents because they were in town.  She thought I was doing it to take attention away from my niece.  No joke.  However, this sucks because… -one, I don’t talk to my brother anymore.  Which, hurts in the way that he’s different, and because she doesn’t like me- he doesn’t have the man parts to say, “That’s my sister, so deal with it.”  -two, I also don’t know my niece.  They actually came a couple of weekends ago (from 3 states away), and brought something for my son- but wouldn’t give it to him in person.  They made my mom do it AFTER they left the state…which leads me to…  -Three…It sucks that my mom can’t see her grandkids together.  I offered to bite the bullet, come make nice, and pretend to not want to shove forks in her eyeballs… but no.  There was no middle ground of peace that she could find in order to give my parents some time with their grandbabies together.  So….I may or may not have waited until they were somewhere else, and saw my niece and son play together anyway at my mom’s.We’ve never had a dysfunctional family until she came along.  Ever.  She’s fucked it up for everyone.  Thanks for opening this to discussion, because I’ve enjoyed venting about it.  Not sure if it really helped you any, though… Fist bump, anyway? 

    • Amanda Kirk Neal says

      It’s like you’re telling my story!!  Don’t see or talk to the brother anymore, I won’t have anything to do with his wife since she made up one story too many of how I “don’t respect them as parents”.  She is so hell bent on that I don’t respect her, DONE, I don’t. 
      Our family is extremely tight and supportive of one another and she has done nothing but try and undermine that connection.  All it’s done is alienate her husband from his loved ones. 
      It actually bothers her when my nephew and niece are excited to see me.  And all her made up stories have made it impossible for me to treat the nephew to a movie, or take him for ice cream, or even babysit them in their own home.  My Bachelor’s degree is in Human Development, I’m the oldest with 3 much younger siblings, I know what I’m doing when caring for small children.  She’s such a control freak and a hoarder that none of my family can stand her either. 
      They just moved, I can’t wait til she burns all the bridges with her family in our home town. 

      • I totally understand.  Ridiculous.  What can you do, except keep giving them rope to eventually hang themselves? Glad to know I’m not alone. Thanks for your reply, Amanda.  

      • Amanda- Wow. I bet she is just seething with jealousy when your niece and nephew can’t wait to see you, Cool Aunt Amanda. 

        I agree with Day-Z. Peeps like that usually shoot themselves in the foot. They blame others, of course, for all the “bad things” that transpire, but the sane people know what’s up. 

    • I also had a sister of my husband whose child had to poo to a scheduled routine. Of course the day I arrived it was my fault that he didn’t and things were never the same after that.

    • Day-Z Hell yeah, FIST BUMP fo sho. I’m really sorry to hear about that most unfortunate woman who is causing such an unnecessary rift in your family circle. 

      And you are certainly the bigger person for wanting to make amends for the sake of the kids and your mama. *Someone* here was obviously raised right and I’m not talking about your brother’s wife. 

  8. I don’t like my REAL sister. I give her unsolicited free advice every time she brings her idiot boyfriend to family events. Usually the comments are along the lines of “talking to him is like rubbing my face on a brick wall”. You get the idea. Maybe I’m not a good person to give you free advice…

  9. Lots of people don’t like me.

    Fuck those people.

  10. hm… this is such a tough one. Obviously, she has no desire to have any relationship with you even though you tried effortlessly to get together. Couldn’t she have just ‘tried’ to get through a dinner with you – like a first date and then been cordial afterwards? WTH??? haha. But in all seriousness, I don’t know what the best answer is. I think you might know it in your gut… And I only say that because I have some people I probably need to wave a white flag at but my pride kicks in and then I remember all the crap they did and well, I don’t want to. We’re grown adults. The phone works both ways, not to mention email and hell, even snail mail. But as time passes, it only gets that much harder to make amends… I guess it’s harder than someone who was once a friend. Does Harv have a good relationship with his brother or does Cal ask to see her cousins? Maybe doing something focused on the kids will draw attention away from your strained relationship… We certainly can’t pick our relatives let alone our freaking in-laws! But good luck to you and maybe I’ll be inspired to make amends with some crazies in my life. She’s losing out. BIG. TIME. But yeah, it gets hard when those kids get involved… 

    • Cal doesn’t ask to see her cousins much because her friends keep her company, but I think it’s just my guilt talking. Wanting to make sure she has the opportunity if she ever desires it.

      If I was only thinking of myself, I would never in a million years reach out. That’s just one less person I have to remember to send a bday card to. Man, that sounded really bad. But there you have it. My horribleness coming out.

  11. Mwheatcraft says

    Honestly, this is something the menfolk should iron out, but they probably don’t know how to use irons.  Go ahead and send an apology if you want – just don’t count on it making a difference.  Terry probably knows what bug is up her – ahem- bottom and chooses to ignore and/or not share with his brother.  Maybe Harv knows too and simply chooses not to share with you – who knows?  Anyway, it can’t hurt to apologize.

    On another note, the day after your brother’s FB announcement, my mother posted a pic of her house with firetrucks galore in front of it and firemen out of their trucks . . . with this pithy little post:  “I’m fine.  Talk soon.”  Needless to say, my message to her was about how this was an example of how NOT to do FB.

    • My mother cuts this crap all the time. Usually with health related things. Like she’ll post “Surgery went well. Thanks to all my friends who supported me”

      Thing is, it’s hard to provide support if you don’t know. And further investigations usually prove their was no surgry.

      So scared of turning into my mother!

    • Hmmm… I beg to differ. It CAN hurt to apologize. Especially when the person you apologize to is a ginormous asshole such as this one.

    • Wheatcraft- HAHA. Harv asked me the other day where we keep the laundry powder. I told him we’ve been using liquid detergent for years. If I left him to iron out anything…including a family sitch, someone’s going to get burned. 

      Very happy to hear your mama is alright. Apparently you are I were in the dark about using FB to announce big things. Let’s start doing this too. 

    • The Dalai Farmer says

      So what’s the rest of THIS  little attention-grabbing ploy?  Glad she’s fine.

  12. I have….. about 15 cousins on my Mom’s side alone! One of my aunts has 4 children. I like 3 of them and absolutely LOATHE the oldest daughter. Coincidentally, the one I loathe has a daughter that was born EXACTLY 2 months before mine and named her daughter the same thing I named mine. Figures, right? Fortunately, I picked the prettier, more feminine version: Kayleigh. Out of my 15+ cousins on my Mom’s side, the three that I like are the only ones I talk to. Mostly on FB… On Dad’s side, all the cousins are AT LEAST 15 years younger than me so they’re more like nieces and nephews than cousins and I love all of them. I also have a better relationship with my Dad’s side of the family mostly due to the fact that THEY aren’t all completely psycho–which I always see as a plus when choosing who I spend my time with! ;) Moral of the story: There will be more cousins in Cal’s future (theoretically) so I don’t know that I’d stress about this one. BUT, if you DO try to make amends, I’d totally use the guilt factor. “Even if we can’t get along, our children should be able to spend time together! And I’m sure Harv would like to see more of his own (niece/nephew?)” But that’s just me! If I can’t get things done the way I want to, I may just wear you down with guilt and make you feel like the world’s worst human being! Lol! ;)

  13. Her loss. I’d love to be related to you, get our toenails painted together, drink cheap champagne (ok wine, champagne gives me a headache), etc.

  14. It seems that she is the problem, not you. She acted like a trifling bitch from the get-go. Why doesn’t she have to make amends?

    Although, coming from a large family, it is always better to at least try and make peace. Even if she doesn’t come around at least she comes off looking like the jerk, not you.

    • Ah, I totally forgot about the word “trifling.” It’s bringing back so many fond memories right now. 

      From what I know, she’s a fairly rigid mofo, so I have to be the one to give. Sigh. I’ll do it though…just so she looks like the jerk. Which is clearly the most right-est and most mature reason. 

  15. Well, maybe Ellen just has some weird reason for not liking you, but I have become less disposed to “making nice” all of the time. Unless someone else makes an effort, I don’t like to carry the whole relationship (that’s not fair on one person anyway).

    My solution would be to go through brother-in-law and invite Cal’s cousins over for a slumber party or something. They can drop them off and pick them up—leaving you with nothing but pleasantries to worry about (greetings, farewells) with Ellen, if any. Instead, you’ll just be watching kids and they get to hang out.

    However, if you do decide to salvage your relationship with Ellen, might I suggest that you make her do the planning on the next outing? Maybe then you’ll have a different experience. Perhaps, if she really won’t speak with you directly, you should take up the old pen and ink and write her little notes. Say what you will, but a letter/card is always a nice gesture.


    • Sup Timepiece- The whole one person making an effort thing- I’ve enacted this rule with a few friendships that were hanging on by a thread. That thread being my effort. Sometimes, it’s just nice to snip that last string and cut them loose. 

  16. Maybe you can. Maybe it’s worth it to you. I think you have to have some positive goal in mind for yourself as well, to balance your voluntary intake of someone else’s crap. Try. 

    I thought I could, but I can’t. Tried and failed.I can’t do it for my son, and that’s a shame, but that’s me, and that’s them. Maybe it’s not you.

    He doesn’t need family quite that badly, and I don’t need to accept more long-term shit from anyone I don’t enjoy at all. My math is clear, here.

    Good luck.

  17. So here it is… I have two sister in laws.  I have been at war and peace with the both of them. The reader’s digest version is this: if you feel like it will benefit your child to make friends, then do so.  If not, let it be.  We keep going back and forth on the war and peace thing, and I have been on the receiving end of both relationships where many fingers were pointed at me, and something about me being insensitive (as if!), and blah blah blah but the funny thing is you can’t tell me that you lived with your previous boyfriend for three years and NEVER DID “IT” and that you were a virgin when you married my brother in law without some eyerolling and snortles of disbelief from me (sister in law 1). PUH LEASE. And secondly, if you get pregnant at 16, that does NOT make you a better mother than the rest of us ho, that just makes you impatient (sister in law 2). Some call me insensitive, I call it the HARD FACTS. 

  18. Is this lame person you’re asking about religious in any way?  Get ‘er subscribed to stuff from other religions.

    Thanks to BIOU13/SimianIdiot, I follow you on Disqus.  (Following her on tumblr doesn’t suffice, since she doesn’t bother with tumblr comments.)  So as long as you don’t comment and nobody replies to you, you’re invisible to me.

    I don’t do Facebook.  I’m here.   The social network I’ve been plugging is Diaspora* and you can find it here: among other places.  Lilith just joined today!

    And/Or you could click on my icon and hit the ol’ “Follow” button …

  19. Yeah, we don’t speak to my husband’s sister at all. She’s of the snotty bitch variety rather like Ellen. 

    I don’t think it’s going to hurt my kid to not know her, in fact I think it will be great that he never has to deal with her judgmental ass. 

    It seems like Ellen was kind of happy that you went off on her since it gave her an excuse to give the inlaws for the way she treats you. Be done with it.
    Or not, shit. You’re the only one who has to deal with the cuntcake, so do whatever. :)

    • cuntcake- ha, I am totally stealing that!

    • I just want you to know that I’ve spent half my day saying cuntcake. It really rolls off the tongue. I mean, like, REALLY. 

      Also, you are totally 100% right. I’m certain she was thrilled beyond belief to get that email so she could forward it on. Because she’s a cuntcake. Ohmygod, it felt so good to say that. I didn’t realize trying to be diplomatic could be so hard.

  20. Hmm, since I’m a fan of family Christmas and Thanksgiving get-togethers, and you’ll probably have to deal with her at those events, I say make peace. Send a nice email, indicate that you got off on the wrong foot, and suggest an activity that you two or the kids can do together.

    And forward that shit (and all subsequent communication) to the in-laws.  Two can play at THAT game.  

    Of course, I’m currently not speaking to parts of my family (going on two months now).  You may want to ignore the hell out of my advice.  How about we adopt each other instead?  I always wanted a sister. 

    • ME TOO. I always wanted a sister. For a time, I thought this one Mexican chick at my elementary school was my sister. This was before I knew that people were different races. Well, that just sounded all kinds of stupid. Let’s still be sisters though. You can be the smart one. 

      • Ha, I remember that story.  I spent a lot of my childhood convinced I was adopted, or switched at birth or something because I don’t look like most of my family.  However, now that Youngest is growing into the spitting image of my grandmother and uncle, I think I’m going to have to acknowledge that we are all actually related.  

        Didn’t we agree to be sisters before, except you get to be the smart one and I get to be the pretty one?  Actually, I agree with Reg People.  Your SIL probably hates you because you’re pretty.  And the fact that I remember discussing this before makes me the smart one.  This damn IQ, I’m never going to be able to get away from it.  

        • HAHAHAHA. ME TOO. I was CONVINCED I was adopted because my mom has naturally tanned skin and so does my brother and I am white as hell. I STILL don’t look like my family and even Harv accuses me of being adopted. 

          I’m glad we already agreed to be sisters. Thank god you’re the smart one. You can be the pretty one too. I’ll just be “the other one.”

  21. I’m going to just say it:

    Some women do not like other women who are pretty.

    Simple as that: you’re pretty, threat enough to not want to be around.

    Not everyone is like that, but some really are.

    She probably looked at you and said, “bitch.”

    And there you go.

    Me? I like pretty girls.

  22. I like my sister in law in really small doses or if I drink my face off. It makes for really interesting family dinners where my mother in law thinks I’m a total drunk. hmmmm I guess I am not the best one to ask advice from. If it were me I wouldn’t try to make ammends. Cal will have plenty of buddies to raise hell with, I promise you. 

  23. Ummm I’m super blunt. I’d just ask why she didn’t like me before I called her out on. Sing rude. And then I’d bless her heart. So I wasn’t being rude. That’s how the rude math works.
    Honestly I think you did her a favor. She needed to know Texas girls don’t play. We expect politeness unless we are shooting at each other.

    I told my ex SIL that my mother hated her. True. But irrelevant. I blame loooong awkward pauses and her baleful stares. It was all I could think of to say. And they gave me wine. I wasnt as classy then as I am now and wasn’t used to wine.

  24. In-laws and families of significant others (you may call them future in-laws or whatnot) almost always require pride swallowing. I’m sure Ellen has her reasons for avoiding you, and I’m sure those reasons are INVALID. You’ve been nothing but inviting to her, which basically places the entire blame on her.

    I’m not close to my cousins anymore since I moved to America, and it would mean the world for me to be just like siblings with them again. Therefore, I think it’s important for Cal to have a good relationship with her cousins, so perhaps it’s time for you to put on lady gloves and slap Ellen with kindness. 

    Also, speaking from experience, Cal might eventually look at you not getting along with Ellen and see that as an example for future family relationships. You, as the kick-ass mom that you are, should always be the bigger person with your SIL.

    Good luck! She sounds like a snotty piece of work.

  25. From what you’ve said, I don’t see that you did anything to her until after she already had a problem with you. You kinda have to actually have done something to make amends for before you can make amends for it.

    Did you leave something out….like did you call her names or kill her dog or something?

    • We didn’t have much contact before my she moved to my ‘hood. I mean, aside from that one time I slashed her tires and she caught me. Now that I think about it….hmmm……maybe that’s why she doesn’t like me. ;)

  26. sooooo here’s my nickels worth of free advice and anyone can feel free to give me the smack down as they see fit.

    10 years post divorce my Sister’s bull-shit has gotten to the point that when someone asks about her husband or child she responds about herself. I think she is under the impression that my bro and I were afterthoughts and she was born as a golden gift to my mother’s ho-ha, except she is the youngest – we were here first and somehow that fact got lost along with her placenta. But she never lets me forget she is married (somewhat unfaithfully and quite miserably) and she has the only grandchild thus I am broken and flawed. All that being said…

    I love my nephew more than I can say. He’s been dealt a shitty hand and now that he is, well Cal’s age-ish, I’ve figured out rather than breaking my own heart over and over by trying to make amends for something I didn’t do wrong and she will never actually understand… I go direct to the child. He has his own phone, so I text him… hey buddy, wanna ??? or in your case, Cal could reach out to her cousins and set up her own play dates. For you, make sure things with your bro are kosher. Taking care not to insult, let him know you are gonna let Cal reach out to the cuz’ so they can grow up together. Who knows what can happen. Maybe it will be magical and you’ll all be sending me postcards from Disneyland…

    :) Good luck girl. Know that regardless of outcome, the fact that you want to make amends shows a strength of character that she is lacking already. People get jealous of the most ridiculous things and you don’t even have to do anything to insight it.

    power of the bedazzle…….

    • First, I would just like to say that anything that ends with “power of the bedazzle” is pretty much poetry in my book. But you’re a poet (as was evidenced on your blog) and we already all know it. 

      Cal just got her own phone but her cousins don’t have phones yet (also, they are a few years younger) so maybe if things don’t work out with that asshole, wait, I mean my SIL, maybe Cal and her cousins can make plans directly. They are good kids.

      I am happy to hear that you’ve found a way to keep the channels open with your nephew. I bet he loves every minute he has with you. 

      • We’re supposed to hang out and do an art proj this weekend. won’t be nearly as awesome as bedazzling shivs, but it will be a way for him to make gifts so I will be okay with a slight bit of vanilla.

  27. I’d say tell her to “Suck it” and move on. You don’t want or need to be around people like that and trust me, you wouldn’t want Cal to be around people like that or their children. If they act like that, then imagine what they’re teaching their kids! Better to save the drama that will inevitably happen to Cal. Sure she doesn’t have a lot of cousins, but that’s what friends are for, and they’re even better because we get to choose our friends. If people don’t connect, then it doesn’t matter if they’re related or not, they’re just not worth it.

    • Ah, the “we share DNA card”…. I’ve had that dealt by mothers, cousins, some people I’m not sure I am actually related to.  One time someone told me that I was related to them so I owed them something.  They were less than pleased when I replied that humans also share an enormous amount of DNA in common with monkeys.  (or something like that.  My insults and logic are good.  My science, not so much)….

      Friends are the family we make. :)

      • Random- That whole “we are family” thing is overused and abused in the Asian culture. You’re supposed to lend money, body parts, vehicles, whatevs to family because they are family. Well, just one time, I would love to be able to tell a family member “We’ll be sharing my fist pretty soon if you don’t leave me alone.”

        That sounded better in my head. You know what I mean. 

    • Viv- I would pay one megajillion dollars to be able to say “suck it” to her without any long lasting consequences. Not that I have one megajillion dollars,but if I did, that’s what I would use it on. 

  28. I think I second all the comments about sending her an apology, but if nothing positive comes out of it from her end, screw her. You tried.  I like throwing balls into “their” courts, it’s my way of trying to be the better person from a sour situation. Kind of like being the one to throw the last punch in a fight but a nice punch.

  29. Miranda Kaye says

    Remember what I said about the other person you were trying to be friends with? The whole, you can’t be friends with everybody? I’m sticking with that. If she doesn’t want your friendship, tell her to suck your dick. She’s just going to miss out on your awesomeness. Now you can start planning how to make family functions really awkward! :) haha go up beside her and snap a picture then walk away. That scene from Say Anything just popped into my head.

  30. I’d say make peace. My brother’s now fiance (just got engaged on Thanksgiving) was originally a friend of mine – make that best friend. She moved up from Texas to Iowa to live with me and get away from her life in Texas (I had visited her there a couple times since we originally met) and started dating my brother shortly after. At first I wanted them to date – until they started dating. Then I got REALLY weirded out by the whole thing. I wasn’t very nice at first – but we all got used to it. Then my brother found out his ex-girlfriend was going to have his baby. My friend couldn’t really handle the situation and left back to Texas in a not very mature way (left without saying good bye or thank you to me, my family, my brother). At the time she left she owed me over $800 in rent as well – which had already started to cause a rift in our relationship. After a couple years, she still hadn’t paid me off yet but my brother wanted to get back together with her and he actually asked me for permission because apparently I had been that outwardly upset about her. I felt like an ass. So, I said I was fine with it. She ended up paying me back and last March she moved back up to Iowa – this time to move in with my brother. After she got here – I was less than nice. Some of it was blown a little out of proportion on her end, I think, but that’s not the point. She hadn’t ever really settled anything with me, because every time she talked she only talked about how much she loved my brother and how sad she was she left him. I was a HUGE bitch to her for the most part and I wrote her a letter, eventually, apologizing for my evil ways. She accepted – but not in the manner I had imagined. However, when I got that reply, I swallowed my pride and sucked it up. Now we are back to being nearly best friends. If I am rude to her for whatever reason, I apologize immediately. And if she’s doing something that annoys me or bothers me, I usually just keep it to myself – because I’m sure she’s probably doing me the same favor. Anyway – that was WAY too long of a story – but I’d say try to make peace. I hope it works! Much love!

    • Wow. I am happy to hear that things, even though they took quite a few years, worked out in the end. My only wish for you is that she would have made more of an effort to sort things out with you, in terms of just the two of you. I think it was big of you to apologize to her and hold your tongue when she’s annoying you. YOU are a good future-SIL and best friend.


  31. Wow.  I want to know what you did to the bitch in the first place to ge her to feel the need to treat you that way.  Yeah you called a few weeks in a row to try and get together…whopee.  Sounds like she’s a judgemental whore with a stick up her ass.  She’s probably jealous to boot becuase you have more awesomeness in your pinky than she does in her entire bitch bag body.  Time to get the stick out of your ass honey, you’ll be much more comfortable that way.  (Then when she removes said stick proceed to beat her over the head with it…repeatedly.)

    What does Harv’ brother have to say about all this?

    As for apologizing…this is a hard one.  First instinct is to say “fuck no”, because we all know the hooker doesn’t deserve it.  However, for the kids sake, I’m going to have to say that you should apologize.  Then just be distant, but polite whe you see her.  When people see her refuse to apologize and/or shun you’ll they’ll see that you are obvioulsy the bigger person.  Then the psycho hose beast will look like the grudge holding bitch that she is.


    The next tiime you see her you can run up and punch her in the lady parts.  It won’t win you brownie points (well with anyone but me, that is), but when she doubles over in pain it’d sure be satisfying.

    Your call.

    • The things that’s surprised me the MOST in this whole situation is Harv’s brother’s reaction. Actually, I’m a little impressed by it. He’s a very quiet man who doesn’t have much of a spine and doesn’t speak out much, so when Ellen and I had our falling out, he really stood up for her and voiced his opinion that he didn’t think his wife was in the wrong at all. 

      He was wrong, of course, haha, but I was impressed that he took a stand and didn’t waver one bit. I guess you gotta start somewhere.;)

      I’d punch her in the lady parts if I knew she had any feeling there. She doesn’t seem to have any feeling in her heart, so this makes me doubt she has feeling anywhere else. 

      p.s. you are funny. 

      • Well I’m gessing he’s normally quiet cuz she wears the pants in the family and he only stood up for her cuz she told him to.  But that’s just my GUESS (I’m right and we all know it).

        Punch her in the lady parts anyways…regardless if she feels it or not I bet you’ll feel a lot better for it.  Nothing like a good punch to the lady parts to cheer one up.

        P.S. You’re pretty damn funny yourself.

  32. Heather_Rose says

    My fiance’s uncle is a crazy Turkish man who got into a fistfight with his [former, obviously] employer and likes to start incomprehensible political debates with German cowboys at redneck dive bars. I’m not giving advice, I’m just looking for advice to get him to cut off contact with us…

  33. You can apologize for the e-mail, and say you should have tried to talk to her in person about it, and is she willing to get together?

    I make this suggestion based on the fact that my proclivity for dealing with everything over e-mail has gotten me into so much trouble, every time my husband hears me typing on my laptop, he assumes I’m firing off an e-mail and asks me who I’m mad at now.

    I’ve yet to learn this lesson, but do freely distribute it to others…

    • Glad to know someone else’s husband asks them the same question. ;)

      I shouldn’t be allowed near a computer or near a phone. Emails and texts have gotten me into trouble.

      Yes, yes I should apologize about the nasty email. 

  34. honestly I think she owes you the apology. Here you were welcoming her into the family with open arms and she turned into the ice princess. Sometimes people need to know the truth to change. Having said that, maybe you can reach out to set up a meeting with just you and her so she can tell you why she’s cooler than a polar bears toe nails and then you just accept her for who she is. If that doesn’t work than she’s the one missing out.

    • That is honestly the way I feel too. Which is why I’ve been so stubborn about this whole thing. But then again, I never think I’m wrong, including that one time my friend SWORE I had a flat tire and i was all “no I don’t” and then 20 miles later discovered he was right. 

      One more try then I’m done!

  35. Would you believe that I have a sister in law just like that? Too bothered to come see us or have us over. After 10 years together, my brother in law is divorcing her. Too bad 4 children are now involved…

  36. I hope everything works out for you and in a good way!  Good luck.

  37. Don’t tell anyone, but you are my favorite bloggess. You and the Bloggess. I love Allie Brosh, too, but she’s not posting much.
    I swear, if anyone asks me how to write, I can just point them to you. I’m dead serious. I hope you’re gathering these things for a book. Your style is very durable.

  38. Sisters-in-law are overrated. Hang out with us instead.

  39. Well, Hell. Don’t we all have one of those? I tried to be the bigger man once. On my wedding day. I know it worked because people came and told me she cried after. We still don’t talk. You can always have peace knowing that you strived for world peace…and family peace…..and in the end, peace is for hippies. And hippies say “hugs not thugs”, so this could be a win win for you. Because gansta’s are better than thugs. 

  40. Hey, my sister found out my brother was engaged because one of her friends called her and asked about the engagement… that was posted on facebook. I feel your pain. How does Harv feel about his brother/ SIL? I am all about trying to make things work for people who are worth it, but I am over trying to make people happy and give in for those who aren’t. I have grown a thick skin in my old age ;)

  41. I like to repeat something that I remember from my Psychology class. Ok, I heard it on Dr. Phil. Don’t judge me. Anyway, the gist is that you can’t control other people, but you CAN control yourself (unless you are 3 martinis in, and Groove is in the Heart starts playing) Anyhow, my point is that you can do the right thing and feel good about it, no matter what the other person chooses to do. Life is short. You don’t want any regrets. Damn you! I almost sound deep and thoughtful today! Umm…VAGINA! There. That’s more like it.

    • I’m glad to hear it’s from TV. I’m more apt to believe it now. Who learns anything real in a classroom anyway?=)

      For me it’s 3 shots of tequila and In Da Club, but yes, you are absolutely right, I can only control me. 

  42. I have the opposite problem. My sister in law is super chummy with me and kinda cold shoulder “who can pick my kid up from school to help me out” with the rest of my in laws.

    This is made more awkward by the fact that we don’t have anything in common and the tension/disbelief by the rest of my in laws that she’s so nice to me.

    I didn’t do anything to cause said niceness but simply show up. But I’m nice back and show interest in what she talks about although I have to say that I don’t input a lot because I don’t really know what to say. I think it’s better to make peace from the get go which your sister in law doesn’t obviously agree with.

    I would say at this point that it’s not worth trying. Obviously be civil at family get togethers but she’s not interested in you or making nice with you so it seems like a wasted effort on your part. Unless you like banging your head against a wall.

    Although I do have to say that if you were my sister in law I would be so fucking excited. :) Do you think Harv would adopt me?

    Love ya.

    • Oh of course she favors you. I would too if you were my SIL. 

      I’ll ask about the adoption thing. But, just know that if we can’t be sisters, we at the very least are sistas. Which might almost be better. 

      • It’s totally way better because we CHOSE it. Family is what you make of it. I’m going on four years of not talking to my mom and it couldn’t be better. :)

  43. I don’t think I’d apologize as such – I might write a conciliatory email, cc’ing the inlaws, of course.  But I wouldn’t apologize.  I’d be all “Obviously we got off on the wrong foot, and it would be better if we could be comfortable at family gatherings in the future.  I’m willing to put it behind me if you will.” 

    I wish I could post that cartoon on my desk, but those bitches in my office might actually take the hint that it’s about them and get offended.

  44. I’d be curious to know if she is aware that you have an extremely popular blog, and just maybe she is reading this now?

    I’d say reach out to her and if she doesn’t reciprocate, post some picutres of her with catty comments.

  45. Oh boy. I’m probably not the best person to give you advice on this one….however, that never stopped me before, so I’ll do it anyway! :)

    My hubs’ sister hasn’t spoken to me in years. She is one of those grudge holders. She is always mad & not speaking to one member of the family or another. I think she has ignored one of her own sisters for like 10 years now. She was also mad at her mom for some imagined slight & was ignoring her for quite a few years, which I’m hoping she now regrets since her mom just passed away. We all spent the last week together with all the arrangements, viewing & funeral, & she still ignored those she isn’t speaking to. I was hoping she would have learned something with the death of her mother but apparently not. I tried to give her a hug after the funeral & she walked away. Oh well.

    As for the cousins….she has 2 kids that she keeps away from the family as well. Her youngest is 16 & was so upset when grandma passed because he hardly got to know her, & she was the kindest, sweetest, most wonderful grandma in the world. All that is to say that grudges hurt other family members as well. I would make peace for the kids, but my way would be to sit her down to ask her point blank what her problem is, and if she still acts like a mega bitch, tell her to fuck off, but plan something for Cal & cuz to do on their own, or have the bros set it up & attend with the kids. Some people will never change & you just have to write them off.

    Good luck! Ain’t family a bitch?

    • Yes yes yes yes yes. Family certainly is. Or…certain members at least. 

      I am so sorry to hear that your nephews didn’t get to spend more time with grandma. I hope you SIL gets enough sense one day to break down the anger and bitterness and let her kids have some family. Then again, I am a pretty immature person so I shouldn’t be telling your SIL to act any certain way. ;)

  46. chemegirljaime says

    my free advice: I have 1 cousin. When we were growing up we were super close. In the last 10 years I can count the number of times I’ve seen her on my hands. She got engaged and I found out on fb. I messaged her to congratulate her and didn’t get a response. My mum (her aunt) passed away and I didn’t get an email, text, call or facebook message. Then she invited me to her wedding. It was the first time I’d seen her in 2 years. 

    What am I trying to say?  Cousins are meh… Cal will meet friends that will be closer to her than a cousin ever will be. 

    So what does that mean? Fuck that bitch. If she acts like that, then her kid probably isn’t someone you want your kid associating with anyway. 

    You know what’s better than cousins? Siblings?

  47. She doesn’t sound like a very nice person. I mean whats her problem? Why the hell did she call you “fancy”? Well…if it were me…there would be no ammends making. She doesn’t sound so nice and I would be worried that her kids would learn her weird-ness and therefore Cal would be better off without those Cousins. I have dis-owned some of my own family because I was always the “black sheep” and I was sick and tired of the way they treated me. Do I care if they change? Hell to the no! That is why *knock on wood* when my mom dies my aunt does NOT get the stuffed Teddy Bear. I can hold a grudge a LONG time. :-)

    • I really hope by “black sheep” you mean cool as hell gangsta because that’s really the only fit description for you. Otherwise, I can see why you took a step back from some of your family. ;)

      The cousins are too young to tell if they’re going to be monsters or weirdos when they are older, but I’ll certainly be keeping an eye out. 

  48. There’s something to be said about making peace with family, but there’s also something to be said about assholes. 

    The way I hear it, assholes weigh more than peace. Drop that shit.

  49. Hmmm. Sticky situation! I would send a hand written note apologizing for the email and leave it at that. If she comes around, fine; if not, let it be. 

    I always think apologizing is better in the long run. You can walk away peacefully knowing you were kind in the end. 

    Moral of the story: email is dangerous. Facebook also falls into this category…

  50. My (at the time) 19 year old sister left a not so nice letter in our mutual mailbox after I moved out because she and the other roommate both eloped and got pregnant less than a semester into their college careers and she stole my books so I couldn’t pass one of my classes and she threw a tire down the stairs thereby losing our security deposit- the note said that I was jealous of her because she was the pretty one and the smart one and that I was a dork and sucked at life. Or something to that effect. We didn’t talk for a year. We didn’t talk again for a year (when she was pregnant with her second child-she’s a crazy bitch when she’s pregnant.) ANYWAY. She’s on her very last chance. But, I did give her a second chance. Family and all. Try explaining that you were trying too hard, hopefully she’ll be flattered. If not, forget her. 
    (Also, I still have the psycho note somewhere, probably up there with my glow worm.)

  51. I know one thing for sure.  I dont’ last long when I have to pretend to like someone.  Sooner or later one of those pleasurable little profanities you can’t hold in, is going to slip out of my mouth, I will dare them to say something about it and that will be the end of that.  It’s not that they won’t call again, it more like I won’t call again, or we just decide it is a mutual thing.  I have a sibling with a spouse that likes to look down her nose at people (it makes her feel better about herself) and the higher she raises her nose, the more I want to tell her she has buggers in it.  I’m helpful that way and it gives me a good laugh.  I figure if someone is going to be childish its ok to respond in kind.

    • Oh, and don’t do it for Cal’s sake if you wouldn’t do it for yourself.  Friends are as good, if not better than extended family.  I don’t know any of my cousins (only saw them a few times as a kid and didn’t much care for them) and I’m ok with that.

    • This is EXACTLY what I feel like doing. Like for like. Somehow, though, it makes me feel guilty, like I should be behaving differently. *sigh*

  52. Amy in Australia says

    So, what’s the deal with her? I mean, how could she not like you? (I’m being serious.) I say it never hurts to apologize, but you gotta be yourself, too! If she’s a hose beast, you may not want Cal hanging out over there anyway. ;)

  53. She is just jealous of you. I wouldn’t say a thing. Give her the cold shoulder for a while and see how she feels. If she doesn’t shape up, forget her. Cal can make friends anywhere.

  54. My question is; why is she such a whore? Why the immediate distaste of your company? Has she no class? 
    I say fuck her. My hubs has 3 sisters. I used to be very good friends with one of them way back in the day in high school nearly 20 years ago, and once I came back into the picture, she seemed all excited and happy that we were together, but once we moved to the area (because her hooker ass lives here, no less!), she’s been absent and seems put out every time we call and invite her and her family to do stuff. His other sisters live 9 hours away and one of them is a dumb whore, too. She lets her asshole husband run her life. But, I digress- my point was that you don’t need bitches like that in your life. 
    You’re awesome, and if she can’t see that, it’s her damned problem. 

    • Usually, I have a pretty good idea why, but this time, I don’t. I’m sure my ugly email was just the nail in the coffin. 

      Ugh. I am so sorry to hear that your SILs are so wacked out. It’s super frustrating to put in time, energy and effort into including someone and they don’t give a shit. 

  55. Okay, let me start by saying, I understand why you wrote in your last post about your difficulty making friends. LOL Some people do not like to be stalked. That said, I would not make an effort with this chick. If you did, she would no doubt eventually irritate the hell out of you and you would end up sending an even more scathing email that would eventually be forwarded to friends, family and, depending on your temper, forwarded to the police resulting in a restraing oreder. Do you really want that kind of hassle from a woman with the personality of a door knob and that wouldn’t even enjoy getting a pedicure and getting tipsy on champagne?

    Oh, and regarding Cal, let’s face it, your sister-in-law in name only will probably be one of those mothers that requires her child to play the cello, do extra credit homework and participate in the chess, math and A/V club, which will not only make her child, but your child boring by default. (Note: If you play the cello and I offended you by that, please don’t hit me with it). 

    I say screw her!  

    • RIght?! Lesson learned. No stalking. ;) But….I think it’s my only real skill. Just kidding. I swear. 

      Good point…I am wary of women who turn down pedicures and champagne. 

      PUAHAHA I don’t play the cello, but even if I did, I wouldn’t be offended at all. She has all the makings of a Tiger Mom. 

  56. So here’s my advice:

    If you really want to do this, you have to do it for yourself and NOT for your daughter. Hiding your apology in “let’s do it for the kids” is not the correct and gracious attitude.

    It is not the person you want to be.

    Analysis the following: You have really fucked up. She sent to your in-laws to win a battle. That makes her small and attacked BUT you gave her the ammo. You have horribly embarrassed your fantastic husband. Own it. (You should really be asking yourself why you sabotaged yourself this way? You are in deeper water than you are admitting to yourself)

    However, If she did indeed act as poorly as you say, then NO she is not someone you want around your darling daughter because she undermine Cal’s achievements as she undermined yours. EVER. Cal will simply have to build solid relationships elsewhere. That’s life.

    If you do want to do this for you (i.e. the woman really does have redeeming qualities and/or does like to shop) then have your husband broach the topic of an email exchange where you are apologizing in a non-threatening way. She has EVERY right to say no and you do not get to judge her for it. Please note, she will likely start with “No”. This will put her back in a power position.

    Allow it to happen.

    She will then come at you with something dumb that she likes to do, like “let’s volunteer at a bake sale”. Say “Yes” graciously and put on your best applique sweater and start practicing smiling very hard. She is testing you to see if you really have changed. Show her you have. LOVE IS SURRENDER. If you want to be more loving, then the path is surrender. Whatever she says, take YES for a fucking answer.

    If not, It’s just something that didn’t work out and you will move on with grace.

    Stop chasing people who don’t like you.

    I love you.

    • Ayana Reddick says

      Analysis:  You have really f-ed up if your goal is to have everyone like you, regardless of how they treat you.  She sent it to your in-laws to win a battle.  And she has won if they don’t already love you and know that you are a great person.  You have horribly embarrassed your husband if he also thought you were a Stepford wife.  Own it.  (You should also be asking yourself why you sabotaged yourself this way.  Now your image as a passive dormat is marred and you can never pretend you don’t have feelings and opinions again.  You are in deeper than you are admitting to yourself).

      • I’m sorry where did she mention that she embarrassed her husband? Two sides to every story, and you can’t go and make-up the other side…. unless you’re really starting to give into to those voices in your head…

    • Love is also forgiving and compassionate neither of which seems clearly reflected here. Then again I have been known to be completely incompetent from time to time, but I’m pretty sure that this gang of ho’s really isn’t into being too judgmental and snotty, just really shanking happy. 

    • Elle- I’m sure you meant all of this out of kindness, but I found myself feeling pretty hurt by it. 

  57. She sounds like a bitch, but you took the bait. Be the bigger person and apologize. She may thaw out, she may not, but you won’t be the asshole, she will.

  58. I say that you should reach out. The bottom line is that you will feel better for doing so. If she doesn’t respond…than at least you will have tried to change the direction and can have a clear conscience. If she does respond in a nasty way, ignore it. Don’t fuel the fire. Or if she responds in a nice way, that is the best of all worlds. Regardless, you have nothing to lose from trying. You do write a funny post!

  59. I’m going to answer your question seriously, for once.

    YOU CANNOT CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY.  Never, ever lose sight of this fact. You could, potentially, be stuck with this woman for the rest of your life. Be nice. Send an apology about getting off on the wrong foot and mention how you hope for a better rapport. Then, never mention it again. Be pleasant. Go for a “warm, professional” type relationship. This is how I’ve been able to deal with my step-wife all these years with out killing myself (or her) with a rock. Feel free to spoil the kids, though.

    Best of luck, m’dear! Call if you need any more sterling advice!

    • For once? SHUT THE FRONT DOOR. This is the first time you’re being serious? I’ve been listening to all the other advice in your comments for the past 1+ year. OHMYGOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

      Do I look like someone who can do “warm, professional”? If you answered “yes” I think we need to spend more time together so you get to know the real me. ;) 

      Killing someone with just a rock is a pretty dope skill though. Let’s pretend I didn’t just say that. 

      • OK, you got me. I always give serious advice. Damn, there goes my cover of light-hearted whimsy….

        RE: rock murder. It’s a skill that requires practice, but my! Once you get it down, you are SET! Also, a key component to “warm, professional” is the “vent at the husband” before actually attempting to deal with the irritant. I have done a LOT of sarcastic bitching at Miles before facing the object of my fury. Mostly in my closet, so the offspring of said irritant couldn’t hear me, ’cause that’s very bad karma.

        Let us all know how it turns out, deary.

        • Hey, I think we’re good enough friends for me to ask how you seem to know so much about rock murders…what do you think? Or…should we see each other once more before you tell me the dirt. 

          • Remember, I lived for many years in Phoenix, where the cockroaches reach the size of a Buick Roadmaster. And those bastards FLY, too! A rock is the best way to dispatch them as they laugh at you when hosed down with bug spray. Once, I threw a 10lbs stage weight on huge one; I half expected it to throw the weight aside and come after me…..

  60. Hey girl! That’s a tough one. I can look right through someone like they are not even there. Then I was reading a  book about bullying to the kids yesterday. Apparently, ignoring someone can be construed as bullying behavior. Ooops, my bad.
    I’ll ignore someone because my tongue can be sharp as a razor and I have made men cry. I don’t want to say something to ruin the relationship forever. So, I’ll ignore until I’m ready to speak to the person in a more constructive manner. or forever. Whichever comes first.

    • I don’t doubt for one millisecond that you are uber-excellent at the “look right through someone” skill. Gimme some of that! Teach me your ways!!

      Also, I didn’t know that that was a type of bullying. Damn, I’m still learning stuff from kindergarten teachers! Sweet!

  61. RandomHandprints says

    cant wait to hear how that reunion goes. good luck. my friends call it “irritator lens” when someone’s every move makes you annoyed. 

  62. I say you invite her onto a show called ‘Jerry Springer ‘ and see if she is in fact the father. 

  63. Ignore her.  I think you’ve already pissed her off enough.  But if you really want to piss her off even more, why not bosom up to Terry?  Maybe you could become best friends with your brother-in-law, who’s got better chances of being likable (I mean, you like Harv, and Harv and Terry are genetically related). Who knows what kind of crazy psycho bitch taste Terry has in women?  My best friend gets along with everybody, but he ALWAYS has psycho chicks for girlfriends.  Well, until he married one, and now all of our get-togethers are all “umm, can we just get her drunk and put her in the bedroom or something?”

    So don’t sweat it.  I never got along with my sister-in-law, either.  But we only saw each other at family functions.  You’ve done your best.  If she doesn’t want a new friend in the new area she’s living in, then screw her.  Not literally.   Well, unless Harv and Terry are into that :).

  64. P.S.  I refer to my sister-in-law in past tense not because she is dead, but because my brother-in-law came to his senses and divorced her ass.

  65. send her and email and tell her to suck it… and make sure to cc your in-laws. save her the trouble!! she sounds and seems like a real douche-bag. 

  66. She sounds like an insecure little bitch. That being said, I’d suck it up and make peace.

  67. I would actually go to her house and confront her. Ask her straight out what was so offensive about you that she could not even feign civility. Explain that you have thought about the email you sent and that it may have been premature given that she had never fully explained the reason for her behavior. When she tries to explain (because she probably will… or play the victim card), you just smile and say “WHEW! I am so glad you told me. I knew I was right about you when I wrote it, but Harv wanted to be sure. BYE!” Then just go home and be glad you tried. :) 

    PS… Ellen is a b*tch. She called you fancy because she’s insecure. Grown women don’t act like snotty girls on a play ground. She needs to grow up. 

  68. Family stuff is always complicated.  Plain and simple.  Me?  I’m blessed with in-laws that are really pretty good, so I can’t complain, and won’t. 

    Having navigated some tricky issues, though, I’ll say this: if you’re going to apologize, do it sincerely, and then let it go.  If she’s able to be a big girl, she’ll accept the apology and move on.  It probably means you won’t be besties, but it may leave room for a relationship for the cousins, and it will relieve some tension between the brothers.  Oh, and if she’s not a big girl and can’t accept the apology, then know YOU were the bigger girl in the equation and take pride in your evolution as a human.  :)

  69. I know I’m probably far off from the norm here…but why on earth do you have to make nice with some rude twit just because she has offspring that is genetically tied to your child?  I was often forced to play with distance cousins that I couldn’t care less about as a kid, and it was about as fun as gnawing my own arm.  Being related doesn’t mean squat.  In fact, there’s a good chance this cousin might be very similar to mom–the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in communication skills, me thinks. My dad used to say that you can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends.  Just don’t pick your friend’s nose.  Sage advice…

    • Damn. I wish I got your dad’s advice before that unfortunate incident last week. 

      I am curious to know if her kids stay as cool as they are. I hope so. Cuz that would just be too cruel if they turned out like her. 

  70. Jaimee Hunter says

    Holy cow…I am such a people pleaser that this would have already sent me to the nut house, sweetheart. Plus my hubby dearest would never have let anyone diss me in my home even non-verbally and probably would have put a shoe in his brother’s arse for not controlling his woman if this is how she behaved. Of course I am the can-do-no-wrong daughter-in-law so obviously my shiot don’t stink. ;-) My free advice is along the lines of Steel Magnolia’s southern charm school…kill them with kindness even if you have to fake it till you make it but keep the shotgun near at hand. Tell her, “Ellen, i think we may have gotten off on a bad foot. I accept my responsibility in the matter and would like to start with a clean slate so that our kiddos do not suffer.” The only person you can control is YOU; stay on the high road and let it all just fall into place (enough platitudes for the day?).

    • I like that about your husband very, very much. Sounds like a good man. =)

      Killing them with kindness is a skill I so wish I had. I have a friend who is so excellent at this, I am floored with admiration every time I see her in action. She is just the bees knees and eventually, everyone comes around when she’s working her magic. Maybe if I rub arms with her, her skill will transfer over. 

  71. I feel like your gut is telling you to go ahead and try one more time…so go with it. 

    Write the most kind email possible with no snarkiness or passive aggression.  Talk about how it’s best for the kids.  Yada yada yada.

    Then be certain to BCC your inlaws so they can see that you are the amazing, mature and, let’s face it, better one.


  72. Lady Jennie says

    What does Cal think?  It’s his brother’s wife, right?

    As a rule of thumb I always try to end things on a gracious note and then feel no remorse if it’s not reciprocated.  As long as I did the right thing.

  73. Here’s what you have to ask yourself: do you think Cal and her cousins will have something in common?  If so, then yes, make nice.  If not, just let it be.  It’s not always worth tourturing yourself for something that isn’t even there.  HOpe this ddoes not come off bitchy. 

    • My first reaction is no…because boys and girls at that age…do they even really get along. But I’m thinking about later on, when I may be too feeble to beat up wayward teen boys on her behalf. =) Okay……I’ll make nice….once. 

      Oh girl, you could never come across as bitchy. xo

  74. I’ve got no advice to give because I don’t have a sister-in-law yet, but please, please, please write a post about how it goes!!  And if she can’t understand your humor, do you really want to expose Cal to her?  Just saying…

  75. Mandy Snell says

    You are too funny.  Can’t really help you out because the only reason my SIL hasn’t gotten a similar email from me is because she (and my brother and nephews) moved all the way to Arizona.  Bitch irritates the FUCK out of me on facebook, so I unsubscribed to all of her updates and made it so she can’t tag herself in my photos.  (She tags everyone she knows in every photo she can get her hands on so that she’s always at the top of the queue.) 

    The older I get, the less tolerance I have for bullshit.  Not that that’s saying much since I was dubbed the “dragon lady” by my own child.  I play nice because it’s less effort than hashing everything out, I’d rather not force my brother in a position to “choose” between her and the rest of the family, and quite frankly, I just don’t give that much of a crap anymore.   Too bad too, because I really wanted a sister and she’s smart, crafty, and has GREAT taste.  You would think we would be good friends- but she has no common sense when it comes to money, doesn’t value education, and somehow missed the life lesson that it doesn’t matter whether or not your Daddy called you Princess- you are NOT REALLY A FUCKING PRINCESS.

    Drinking my face off sounds like it might work too…  For what it’s worth, my mom’s sister is a royal bitch but she sucked it up and I got to know my cousins (whom I don’t see very often but still adore).  My husband, on the other hand, refuses to talk to his mother, sister, and grandmother… and who the hell knows if our daughter will ever get to meet her cousins… heck, she doesn’t even know they exist.

    So no advice here on what to do, other than to do what helps you rest easier.

  76. you’re such a bully elizabezzle. love it. i say follow your heart (which is to continue bullying).

  77. Rollerscrapper says

    This is tough because a true friendship has to go both ways, do you think she’ll even put out the effort to be a good family/friend even if you take the first step?
    I totally empathize in the feeling like you’re the only one putting any effort into seeing someone, I guess thats why the captain and I have very few but close friends, you know the ones you can count on.

  78. I say reach out to her, because the weight of something like this is so heavy on the heart. Damn, I wish we’d discovered each other’s blogs at this time last year. I was in a very similar situation with my sister. Ugh, she was such a bitch to me, and when I pushed back it sparked an 8-month long relationship drought that finally ended at Thanksgiving, last year, when family forced us to sit at the same table. I still get grumpy when I think about the angst she unfairly caused me, but here’s the thing: No one knows when the day will come that they wake up and it will turn out to be their last. I love my sister, even if she’s sometimes mean as a bagful of rattlers, and if something had happened to either of us during that period of radio silence, we’d have been devastated. Life’s just too short, you know? So there you have it, my free two-cents. haha

    LOVE your blog voice! Looking forward to your next post!

    • hey, wassup Nicole! Thanks so much for your free two-cents. Although, for advice like that, I totally would have shelled out like, a nickel.

      I think what I’ve taken away from everyone’s wise words (including such words as bitch and asshole) is that I have to take a genuine step in making things right and then leave the ball in her court. I’ll do it. I may die but I’ll do it. 

  79. I say cut that bitch loose! She is no family of yours if she doesn’t respect da hood!
    BTW, Ellen sounds very caucasian, I never heard of asian parents name their girl Ellen. But then again you are the first asian “Elizabeth” I met…

  80. Alright, you didn’t know this but I’m Jesus.  Yes, it’s true.  I’m a saint.  I do everything right and am very pure.  So here’s my advice.  She’s your husband’s sister.  They share blood.  You love your husband.  He probably loves his sister and his parents.  She’s hurt your feelings.  You’ve struck back.  You guys are even.  You may never get to the bottom of what it is about you she can’t stand, but you can ask.  I’d give yourselves both a cool down period (I am assuming she reads your blog and is fit to be tied – the in-laws too).  Use your power for good, not evil.  Because you are a gangsta bitch of love.  Oh yes you are!  Take a deep breath.  Say a prayer (Even though I’m Jesus I only pray when I’m in trouble – it works) and more will be revealed.  I now have to go catch a fly using only chopsticks. 

  81. She sounds lovely.  Depends on how much it means to Harv.  If not a lot FUCK HER

  82. I had a family member read my emails and then hold it against me, and we somehow made it work. A year later.

    So she needs space. And it doesn’t sound like you two are going to be chillin’ like homies even if you sort of made up. She sounds like the kind of woman who would drink ‘sex on the beach’ instead of a vodka martini. Do you really need that in your life?

    But seriously.. do you? Because it sounds really draining.

    If you really want to, I’d send one email, tell her you’d love to get together and clear the air sometime, and you’ll leave it if in her court if and when she would like to do that. Then forget about it. If she wants to, make it more of a goal to end up civil. Not buds. Why would you want a new BFFSIL when your new one sounds much cooler?

    Stalk her instead. 

  83. First, what, your brother is getting married?!?   Congrats to him! 
    Second, awww…family.  Sometimes they’re great and sometimes they’re not.  I don’t know how long it’s been since you’ve talked to your sister in law, but giving her some time might be best at first.  Give her some time to cool off.  And well, even though she is related by marriage, she’s part of your husband’s family, which is part of your family.  How awkward would family get togethers be?!?  I might not go to family get togethers if I am in a fight w/my in laws.  Fortunately, I love all my in laws and I can go to get togethers even if my hubby doesn’t go.  
    Maybe try one last time.  I’m sure Harv can see how hard you’re trying.  And hopefully Ellen can see that as well.  And if nothing happens, you know you’ve done all that you could do.  Maybe over time, things will get easier.  :)
    Best wishes to you!

    • I know!!! I can’t believe it either! At least he didn’t do what I did and get married and THEN tell the family. =)

      I love that you and your in laws get along so well. That is truly truly big pimpin. But Alice, come on, in the 10000 years I’ve known you, I can’t think of one trait that anyone wouldn’t like about you. 

      • Aww…you’re sweet. 
        Ask my hubby, my kids, or my sisters, I’m sure there’s something. hehe.  on second though, don’t ask them.  :)

  84. I have a crazy SIL too! I think most of us do…and some of us ARE the crazy SIL…but MINE likes to criticize my parenting via facebook…using my brothers account (since she won’t be my “friend”).
    It’s obvious because my brother cannot spell or use proper grammer, she does.
    Now we have been banned from seeing my nephew because he is mad that I defriended
    Oh did I mention that he and my husband work together?
    It’s super awesome that he can’t keep his shit at home. So he now pretends my hubs doesn’t exist…at work. UNLESS he needs something…like to borrow our car to drive down to whataburger, run to the store and get a snack etc…
    My husband says he doesn’t care and told him he can’t use our car
    nd he doesn’t care if he is being ignored since my brother is a PITA anyway.

  85. Adrienne Henderson says

    I hope she reads your Blog :)