Monday Dare: Do not disturb. Busy doing nothing.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Do jack shit. 

Sometimes, I like to wake up in the morning and treat myself to this thought: How can I get through this day doing as little work as possible? 

For at least three solid minutes, I just lie in bed, imagining what it would be like to not get out of bed except to open the door for the buffalo wings delivery man. I would eat the whole order in bed with a gallon of Coke and those frosted animal cookies with the little round sprinkles.

I would spend the day watching a marathon of Locked Up Abroad, picking stray round sprinkles from my pajamas and popping them in my mouth. People would call and ask what I was doing. Everyone would get the same answer: “Oh, you know, just working, working, working.” I would ding a little bell I keep handy next to my bed and say, “That’s the darn laundry machine. I have to go put the load in the dryer now,” hang up, and go back to doing nothing.

Then, when I hear footsteps outside the bedroom, I would close my eyes and start snoring (softly, I think it’s more realistic that way). If Cal or Harv call out, “Hello, hello, are you awake?” I would stir just a little and make a slight grimace. They would feel bad for disturbing my much-needed break and walk away, a little dejected and a little guilt-ridden.

Since I’m super clumsy, I might knock over my gallon of Coke and drench my super festive Target pajamas. After staring at it for a long second, I’d shout, “FUCK. SHIT. DAMN.” Instead of getting out of bed, I would most likely just strip off my pillow cover and stuff it under by shirt and pants- kind of like a baby bib, but better because it would be underneath my clothes and not stupid-looking like all those baby ones that have sayings like “I only cry when ugly people hold me” and “If you think I’m cute, you should see my uncle!”

This has never happened. Yet.

The holidays always leave me frazzled. So instead of buying myself something really fabulous this year, wrapping it up, and putting it under the tree with a tag that reads “From a secret admirer,” I’m going to give myself the gift of Doing Jack Shit. If I could package and sell it, I bet I would be a megajillionaire.

Happy Holidays to me.

What are you folks doing for the holidays? If you had a day to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?

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sorry i pushed you in the head

I always turn to Harv when I need advice. Mostly because the advice is free, and it’s easy to track him down. Sometimes, when I call him during the day, he says he can’t talk to me because he’s “in a meeting.” I’m fairly certain he’s just trying to play hard-to-get, so I then text him every five minutes until he calls back in a huff. I’m assuming this is how a healthy marriage is supposed to work.

Last night was no different. I needed to pick his brain. It was important.Me: I can’t think of what I should write in your anniversary card. I need your help.

Harv: Wait. Are you asking ME what you should write in MY anniversary card?

Me: Yeah. I already have “Happy Anniversary!!!” and “I still probably love you” and “Thank you for still speaking to me after four years” written down, but it seems unfinished to me. Would you be happy with that?

Harv: I don’t…I don’t know.

It was pretty clear that Harv and his impossibly high standards weren’t going to be any help, so I went back to my desk to think.

I thought about apologizing for that one time I got extremely angry during a game of Scrabble because he wouldn’t agree that “pimpin” was a real word, and I “accidentally” pushed him in the head when I was “sleeping” that night. The sentiment seemed out of place. Plus, I still believe “pimpin” is a word, so it would have been an empty apology.

Dear Harv,

Happy Anniversary!!! I still probably love you. Thank you for still speaking to me after four years.

Thank you for loving me when I didn’t love myself.

Love always in all ways, Elizabeth

photo by Bonnie Tsang