01.02.12

Monday Dare: Check yourself before you wreck yourself

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Stop. Reverse.

I only made one New Year’s Resolution. I promised myself that whatever happened, I would stay out of jail. I shared this at the dinner table last night, and no one seemed very impressed. In haste, I added another resolution: I promised not to die this year.

That didn’t seem to strike reverence in anyone either, so I just gave up. Because really, if you’re going to do hard things like not be incarcerated and stay breathing for a whole fucking year and no one gives you a pat on the back, then you should just stop trying to impress the crowd.

To show up these hard-ass people I call my family, I’ve decided to add a third rule just for kicks:

Remember that I always have a choice. 

Sounds simple, yes? Sure, to normal people, this might have occurred to them somewhere between the ages of 5 and 6, but this was earth-shattering news to me when I heard it a while back.

I was stuffing my face with chocolate cake from Kentucky Fried Chicken that I got for the extraordinarily low price of only $2.99. A whole goddamn chocolate cake for $2.99, y’all! As I was helping myself to a third generous slice, I said to my friend, Kate, that this seemed wrong somehow. Wouldn’t the ingredients alone cost $2.99? Could they have replaced the premium flour with really low-grade crack cocaine that didn’t pass the drug dealer’s quality check inspection? She said simply:

You can stop now. You always have a choice.

Was this girl crazy? A whole goddamn chocolate cake for $2.99! I must eat it! I must fi…ni…sh……

Coming out of my unfortunate sugar coma, I found Kate standing next to me, about to pin a homemade sign to my shirt. She had painstakingly written it backwards so that when I looked in the mirror, I could read it with ease:

Stop being stupid. You always have a choice.

She wasn’t just talking about the cake. (Did I mention that it only cost $2.99?) I am all about bad decisions. Man who lies about having kids? Yes, I’ll date you! Move into a home with a cockroach infestation? Sure! As long as rent’s cheap! Apply for a job that requires hand-eye coordination? Fuck yeah, I don’t mind losing a limb! People who have known me for a long time accuse me of making poor choices just to punish myself. These friends may not be wrong.

This week, and every week for the rest of the year, I’ll remind myself of this one very important thing. And friends- I don’t dare give you advice, seeing as how I’m a very underdeveloped person myself, but please, please remember that you always have a choice. You aren’t bound by the decisions you’ve made in the past. And if you ever come to a crossroads and you need a listening ear, drop me a line. Whatever advice I give you, just do the exact opposite.

What’s the best advice a friend has ever given you?
Stupid decisions you’ve overcome?

P.S. We would all do well to remember this:

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first image from Beth Dobbs’ Barbie Murders series

January 2, 2012
12.19.11

Monday Dare: Do not disturb. Busy doing nothing.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Do jack shit. 

Sometimes, I like to wake up in the morning and treat myself to this thought: How can I get through this day doing as little work as possible? 

For at least three solid minutes, I just lie in bed, imagining what it would be like to not get out of bed except to open the door for the buffalo wings delivery man. I would eat the whole order in bed with a gallon of Coke and those frosted animal cookies with the little round sprinkles.

I would spend the day watching a marathon of Locked Up Abroad, picking stray round sprinkles from my pajamas and popping them in my mouth. People would call and ask what I was doing. Everyone would get the same answer: “Oh, you know, just working, working, working.” I would ding a little bell I keep handy next to my bed and say, “That’s the darn laundry machine. I have to go put the load in the dryer now,” hang up, and go back to doing nothing.

Then, when I hear footsteps outside the bedroom, I would close my eyes and start snoring (softly, I think it’s more realistic that way). If Cal or Harv call out, “Hello, hello, are you awake?” I would stir just a little and make a slight grimace. They would feel bad for disturbing my much-needed break and walk away, a little dejected and a little guilt-ridden.

Since I’m super clumsy, I might knock over my gallon of Coke and drench my super festive Target pajamas. After staring at it for a long second, I’d shout, “FUCK. SHIT. DAMN.” Instead of getting out of bed, I would most likely just strip off my pillow cover and stuff it under by shirt and pants- kind of like a baby bib, but better because it would be underneath my clothes and not stupid-looking like all those baby ones that have sayings like “I only cry when ugly people hold me” and “If you think I’m cute, you should see my uncle!”

This has never happened. Yet.

The holidays always leave me frazzled. So instead of buying myself something really fabulous this year, wrapping it up, and putting it under the tree with a tag that reads “From a secret admirer,” I’m going to give myself the gift of Doing Jack Shit. If I could package and sell it, I bet I would be a megajillionaire.

Happy Holidays to me.

What are you folks doing for the holidays? If you had a day to do whatever you wanted, what would you do?

You. Me. Facebook. Let’s make it happen.
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image via pinterest

December 19, 2011