Archives for August 2012

Monday Dare: To live and die in L.A.

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Call a truce with nature

How does that one saying go? The enemy of my enemy is my friend. You don’t have to correct me if I got the wording wrong. The adage doesn’t even apply here except that it uses the word “enemy” twice. I wanted to talk to you about nature and The Great Outdoors, but my ability to form coherent sentences was derailed by visions of the word “horrible” and “enemy,” and then that saying rolled through my head.

I live in L.A. I hate being outdoors. Maybe those two sentences don’t make much sense together, but for me, they are inextricably linked. One of the comments I always hear is, “You’re so lucky to have such nice weather year round! I’d be outside all day, everyday!”

Well, good for you, Nature Lover. I suspect these are also the same people who sit on the veranda with a piping hot cup of coffee and a flaky croissant watching the sun rise with a long sigh of contentment before their weekly REI trip to buy canoe paddles and shit. I hate stepping foot outside of my house.

Even though nature makes me feel hater-y, I give it an honest chance from time to time.

Over the weekend, my family and I walked a mile to the farmers market. Along the way, we passed some fucking bushes and fucking grass and fucking trees and fucking insects and fucking people walking their fucking dogs. I think an industrious family of gnats made a new home for themselves in the dark comfort of my left ear canal. I asked Harv to check, but he said I was just imagining things before shaking his head and mumbling, “Get it together, Elizabeth, get it together.” Why is my family so unsupportive?

When we finally got to the market, my face was wet with sweat and despair and I thought to myself, “It’s over. I want my life back.”

Have you ever been to a farmers market? That shit is OUTDOORS, friends. I was surrounded by a sea of people dressed like they had just climbed Mt. Whitney and then cooled down with a 90-minute stretch session by the ocean because “physical activity is invigorating.” And here they were, with their reusable earth-friendly tote bags, ready to buy organically-grown cucumbers and kale for their dinner (again on that goddamn veranda). People were laughing and holding hands and having a great time in Mother Nature’s glory.

I decided to play along in the sick charade and sampled locally-sourced cheese and tapped some melons. Every fold of my body was sweaty and sticky and I felt like maybe I should do some drugs to take away the misery, but still, I just kept smiling and asking how much the chrysanthemums cost.

I’m not calling a truce with Mother Nature because I like that bitch. I want to make peace with her because my family loves being outside, and I love my family, so I’m going to make an effort to spend more time outdoors this week. Man, that family of mine, won’t even check my ears, but I can’t quit them.

Are you outdoorsy? Indoorsy? What the hell is there to do outside?

P.S. Perhaps you like funny pictures and thug life thoughts and other original content not seen on this blog. Then may I suggest we get connected on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page? I promise not to disappoint you. Probably.
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Monday Dare: This is why we can’t have nice things

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the complete list of Monday Dares or learn about its origin.

This week: Stop losing shit

Back in the day, when I only owned a bunch of cheap shit, I never lost anything. It was a point of pride for me. I wouldn’t shove my specialness in other people’s faces when they complained about losing another pair of sunglasses or their kid. I might say something like, “Oh man, that really blows. I don’t know what you’re going through because I’ve never lost anything before in my life, but I still really want to be friends with you because I choose to focus on the positives in people and not their faults.” I’m pretty good at building people up. It’s another one of my qualities.

Then, I started buying nicer things. Yes, it would be nice to scoop up a paisley print tote at the dollar store for a total investment of $1.09, but sometimes, I just need to be fucking reckless with my life. “Go ahead and buy a similar-looking tote at Target for $19.99. You DESERVE it,” I would tell myself.

And I insisted on a real diamond wedding band. I don’t know if you’ve ever checked out the impressive selection of moissanite rings at Kohl’s, but they really do have a diamond-like presence for a fraction of the cost. I gave this option some consideration, but then I remembered that diamonds are a thug’s best friend. I’m all about staying true to the game. It’s also another one of my qualities. I hope I’m not starting to sound too brag-y.

Harv insisted on insuring the diamond ring. He’s all about the “just in case.” It’s also why we have health insurance and not one, but THREE boxes of band-aids stashed around the house. You’re probably thinking that he wastes a lot of money. I happen to agree.

Maybe the Universe thought my specialness was really starting to bring other people down and devised a plan to level things out. And what better way to stick it to me than by losing my wedding ring in a Vegas nightclub. While sober. Did it fling off when I put my hands in the air and danced like I just don’t care? Did it fall to the floor as I was doing the Dougie? I have some pretty impressive dance moves, which is another one of my qualities, but let’s not focus on that right now. We’re trying to solve a mystery.

I searched in vain, crawling through a sea of hooker heels and Drakkar Noir. No luck. I finally admitted defeat and stepped outside to call Harv. After explaining the situation, I asked if it might still be okay to come home. I was prepared to start looking for a new place of residence. And because Harv’s best qualities are patience and forgiveness, he focused first on calming me down and then reminded me that the ring was insured.

I promised never to lose anything else again. He showed his faith by giving me a beautiful gold bracelet soon afterwards.

Which I lost this past weekend in New York.

I’m terrified of walking out of the house with anything of value now. I suppose I could staple shit to my body, but I’m afraid of pain. Does that make me a selfish person?

Do you lose things? What are some things you’ve lost?

P.S. I’ve received so many emails since I started blogging about my blog designer, Lindsay Nicole. She designed this blog from scratch and I’m so thrilled by her aesthetics, fair prices, and attention to detail. I love her dearly for being so goddamn patient with me. She’s back in the blog design game full-time. If you need a blog re-design or something totally new and fresh, Lindsay is big pimpin.’

P.P.S. You. Me. Facebook. Let’s make it happen. I post original content on Facebook throughout the week. “Like” the page to see pictures + posts in your news feed.
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