Monday Dare: Toeing the motherfucking line

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Be less “awesome” and “wonderful”

When people ask stupid questions, I like to give fucked-up answers. Some may find this immature and tasteless, but it brings me a great deal of joy, and hey, if we can’t derive satisfaction from the little things in life, then shit’s going to get real bad, real fast, don’t you think?

Years ago, I had a boyfriend ask me why I loved my daughter more than I loved him. Now that I think back, it was more of a complaint rather than a question, but whatever the method of delivery, his heart was in the same place. He wanted to be #1.

I sat in stunned silence for a minute. Really, I wanted to laugh and push him in the face, but I figured that would only make the situation worse. My silence must have spoken volumes because he swept our entire dinner off the table with his forearm and left in a huff.

As he raced down the three flights of stairs to his car, I called out after him- “It’s because of the way your calves look in shorts. Get some muscle tone, asshole!”

Our twisted relationship ended after that. Mainly because he was clearly a disturbed individual with very little understanding of love and priorities, but also because he broke several dishes that I could no longer replace because Target had discontinued the set. I may have been a poor single mother with limited resources, but any man that makes it necessary to resort to mismatched dishes is where I draw the motherfucking line.

He later claimed that we broke up because I was too insensitive and sarcastic, but in my book, those are just synonyms for awesome and wonderful. And perfect. And special. I could go on, but you’re an especially smart crowd, so you know what I’m trying to get at here, yes?

There’s a line between sticking up for yourself or getting a point across and being insensitive or overly-sarcastic. I could say it’s a fine line, but that would be wrong. It’s a wide river that separates one side from the other, with a lot of gray area open to interpretation depending on how sissy and stupidly sensitive the other person is.

I’m not sure how, but I’d like to try and be more attuned to the sissiness of other individuals to figure out how much I can get away with. WAIT, I MEAN…I’d like to be more aware of other people’s boundaries and comfort levels. Because some people cry like little bitches. WAIT, I MEAN….just forget it. Y’all, I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach already. And not from the microwave burrito I just ate.

Has sarcasm ever put you in an awkward situation?

P.S. I post thoughtlessly insensitive things + funny pictures + thug life thoughts on the Flourish in Progress Facebook page almost daily. “Like” the page to see them in your news feed.
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  1. Brittany Rae Olson says

    I love the awesome and wonderful, perfect, special you.  And the scacasm is a HUGE bonus.
    I am that way also.

  2. In his defense, mismatched dinnerware is very chic. He actually made you MORE fabulous.

    He’s still an idiot though.

    • A total douchecanoe….but I’m doing the mismatched dinnerware thing on purpose these days. Or maybe that’s what I tell myself when I forget to load the dishwasher and I have to use plates from three sets for us to eat dinner. ;)

  3. He’s lucky you didn’t cut his jugular with a shard.  

  4. Um. He seriously said that? I had to reread that sentence 5 times to get it through my mind. He is damn lucky all you did was point out the lack of tone in his calves.

  5. And you let that winner walk away??  How did you not chase after him professing your undying love to him?  I mean, he obviously had very strong feelings and all he wanted was your love!  You are a cold hard woman, lady. Pretty much if my lips are moving, I’m being sarcastic.  I try really hard to reign it in when I’m speaking in court, but it takes a herculean effort to do so.  If you know me and/or are my friend, you know that most of what I say is dripping with sarcasm.  It’s the ones who are not aware of my obvious charms that seem to be put off by most of what I say.  To them I say, “Fuck it.  It’s a motherfucking joke, y’all.”  And if they can’t take the joke, they can hit the skids.  Fo realz.   (Totally unrelated . . . can you still not comment on my site?).

    • No one can comment on your site, Misty.  WordPress is being an elitist bitch.

    • You’re right. I should never have let that motherfucker get away from me. I occasionally hear updates on his life (he’s married now with a daughter) and I just kick myself in the ass thinking that could have been ME living that fabulous life. 

      I don’t know what I would do if you stopped being awesome you. You would have no flavor. And how am I supposed to lick, I mean…like you if you have no flavor?

      • It’s comments like this that make me equal parts “scared out of my ever-loving mind” and “peeing my pants excited” to finally meet you in NY!!

  6. Ah, yes: sarcasm.  I’ve been on both sides of the fence, but within the past few years, I’ve noticed that sarcasm used in a “heated discussion” with my husband is counterproductive and derails any sort of progress. And I don’t have time for that. So I shelf it for stuff like that, but use it when *I* think it’s funny.  Because in all honesty, I think I’d being doing my children a disservice by sending them out in the world without a sense sarcasm, right?

  7. Some people just are whiny little bitches… I mean, some people are really sensitive about shit that doesn’t matter.

    I love you.

  8. I try and save the sarcasm for moments when I’m not going after a sensitive topic for the person I’m talking to. *Try*. You’ll never please everyone, but I find a safe rule of thumb is, “It’s ok to be sarcastic about other people’s problems- behind their back to someone else.”

  9. Sarcasm is a requirement for idiocy. Don’t you agree? If you act the fool, you deserve the smart ass response. I don’t see a single, solitary thing wrong with that. Fuck ’em!

  10. I always gauge people’s sissiness, too! Sometimes I get away with a lot, sometimes I don’t.

    I go a little too far with my boyfriend sometimes, but then he does, too. So we’re even.

    Some people just need to man up, you know what I mean?

    • It’s good to have one partner in sarcasm that you can just GO THERE with, ya know. 

      It’s so satisfying when people get in and love you for it. Or, if they don’t love you for it, at least they’re not trying to clock you in the face or anything. 

  11. I LOLed at your comment “….depending on how sissy and stupidly sensitive the ogther person is.”
    I use sarcasm on a daily basis. I’ve been using it for years. It is primarily for two reasons:
    1.) My first thoughts are usually the sarcastic a$$hole ones, and they are also the funny ones, so I just say them.
    2.) It is to cover up the fact that on the inside I am sissy and stupidly sensitive. Hence, I laugh to keep myself from crying.

    • Whatever pops into your head at first is usually the best, most honest, most appropriate thing. Especially if it’s sarcastic. Am I trying to stroke your sarcastic ways? Fuck yeah. 

      I’d rather laugh than cry any ol’ day. I’m afraid if I start crying, it just won’t stop. That may have been TMI, but it’s that time of the month. Double TMI. Sorry you know me. 

  12. Oh shit, my smart mouth gets me in trouble every.  Damned.  Day.  And of course I have a child with autism who is absolutely oblivious to the concept of sarcasm so my facetious comments make him cry on a regular basis.  Parenting WIN, Huzzah!  Sorry, I’m having trouble concentrating over the sound of Spanish porn being blared FULL BLAST from the neighboring hotel room.  Silencio, Motehrfuckers!

    • Oh girl, you are one of the most caring and fun moms I know. Consider it a colorful childhood for your babe. 

      And….spanish porn. Well, now my curiosity is piqued. I think I have to check it out. For research purposes only, of course.

  13. Sarcasm is fine.  Undetectable sarcasm is an art form.  I like the second one best.  People suspect that you’re making fun of them, but they caaaaan’t quite figure out how.

    • I fall victim to the second form of sarcasm all the time. I use the term “victim” loosely here, of course. 

      I’d also like to master this subtle form and use it widely and often. Because mastering sarcasm *could* be someone life mission. Namely, mine.

  14. OMG. Yes, plenty. I love when I say something sarcastically and the other person just looks at me like they have no idea how to take it. I don’t give an explanation.

    It also helps to say something in a way that infers the information that you’re trying to get across but states it in a way that can mean something else also.

    Sarcasm is one of my best friends. :)

  15. I told my first boyfriend that his music was too gay for me.  That was the end of us…..Yes, sarcasm has gotten me in trouble.  But honestly, if you can’t laugh at yourself, then we probably don’t belong together.

    • BILL, think about what would have happened if you had never told your first bf that. Then maybe you wouldn’t be with Paul and maybe that would make me love you less. Do you see the chain reaction not being sarcastic would have caused?

  16. “Overly-sarcastic”? I don’t understand that term. Is it like “one drink”, “too rich” or “too hung”?
    I may be a Sissy, but I’m not a sissy. People who are overly sensitive are just annoying and it’s too much work dancing around their sensitivities.
    You’re fab just the way you are girl! Don’t go changing for anyone!
    Love, Lance

  17. I speak fluent sarcasm, but I’m also just blunt. You’re being a twit? I’m going to tell you. And I completely agree with the call about the sissies. The wussification of America is one of my pet peeves.

  18. Back in the 80’s when I was attending a party down on a friend’s farm, there was a guy wearing a Member’s Only jacket and those Italian leather shoes guys were into back then. We were both in a circle chatting with several people, probably smoking something.  He was going on and on about his job and his new shoes.  I rolled my eyes and told him they looked like bowling shoes.  He promptly put his shiny new .38 in my face and told me to say it again. Stupidly, I was not impressed by his gun either (I didn’t know anyone who had a gun much less walked around with it in their pocket) and just stared at him with a you’re-really-going-to-shoot-me-in-the-face-because-I-made-fun-of your-shoes look on my face.  His friends finally got him to put the gun down and I moved on to a cooler circle of conversation.  His friend came up to me and told me he was interested in going out with him, would I be interested?  Apparently I had made an impression.  I laughed because not only did the guy not ask me himself, but he put a fucking gun in my face and thought I would get over it like a duly impressed little girl.  I laughed at him and told him to tell his friend he was out of his fucking mind.  

    • I am stunned, STUNNED i tell you, that you let that gentleman go. The least you could have done was get his number in case you had a single girlfriend that was looking for a winner to date.

      This may be one of the best loser stories I have ever heard. I cracked up no less than 10 times reading it. Sheesh, the nerve of this motherfucker!

  19. going out with me*   lol

  20. I end up using too many smileys in my texts because I tend to be a bit sarcastic.  I feel that most people get it when I’m talking to them, but I worry about texts.  My aunt uses a lot of wink faces, but she uses them inappropriately.  “I will meet you for lunch. ;)”  So you’re going to meet me for lunch or not??  What does that even mean?

  21. I especially like this post.  :)

    Sarcasm and mockery is a well known self defense mechanism in the ICU (amongst us nurses to prevent attachment on a certain level), so I’m very familiar with the topic. 
    I’m also very trained to be sensitive to cultures and feelings (so people will tell other people the nurses are nice).

    • I gotta say…in all the hospital stays I’ve been through, the nurses are really what keep that place running. They show a level of empathy and command that a lot of doctors seem to lack or are too busy to show. I especially like the spunky ones who aren’t afraid to let their sarcasm through when I’m being a whiny little bitch. Keeps it real. Keeps me in check.

  22. ThePishPosh says

    Oh I think you should definitely not stop being so awesome and wonderful aka sarcastic and funny. For example this post hints at harder times, heartbreak, stress, and chaos, but in such a funny way, and I think we can all relate to that. If people are too sensitive they need to have a glass of wine and lighten the hell up.

    • Funny that you should mention the wine…I had a glass while I was writing this post because otherwise, I think it would have been a sad little woe-is-me tale of always picking the worst motherfuckers to date. 

      Thanks for your kindness.

  23.  I’ve gotten in trouble so many times via sarcasm, it would be easier to talk about a time I didn’t. One time I ran a pencil down the wall at school and got in trouble for that – no sarcasm that one time.


      As is the case in my life. I can count the number of times that I’ve gone through a sitch with no sarcasm or eye rolling….on one hand. And I wouldn’t need to use my thumb or my pinky finger.

  24. We have a no sarcasm rule at our house, because my better half didn’t grow up in the Mexican “you insult the people you love to show them just how much you love them” house that I grew up in.  Sigh.  All this holding it in can’t be good for me.

  25. Sarcasm is why you’re funny and SPECIAL!!! I LOVE you!!! ;P

  26. Sarcasm is an art form.  Granted, it sometimes causes more trouble than intended, but it’s an art form.  Back when I actually earned a paycheck, I had to check my sarcastic nature at the door (no one likes a sarcastic technical trainer…) when I was in my “official” capacity, and it was always entertaining to see whether the expression shifted from polite interest to either horror or relief when I let a little sarcasm fly.  (Those who showed relief that I was not Susie Sunshine all the time became friends… the horrified ones? Who are they, again?) 

    Even my preschooler has a basic understanding of sarcasm, and is just beginning to use it, herself, which I have to temper, so she isn’t disrespectful.  ;)

    • Hell yes, it is an art form. If done well, people just don’t know what hit them. And they will go off scratching their head. And maybe planning your demise, but I never let a little thing like death stop me. 

      I like it when people in the workplace have a little flare. Makes earning that paycheck less painful. And, of course, more entertaining. 

  27. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism, so beware motherfuckers!

    That means I’m perfect and special too.

  28. Sarcasm gets everyone in trouble at some point. Sarcasm isn’t actually as bad as my sense of humor though. I was talking with a coworker about a hat that he bought. Since he got it super cheap at a street vendor, I jokingly said, “Well, I guess we should just hope it doesn’t cause you to go bald.” Then, I look at him and—of course—he is balding. So sarcasm, humor, what’s the difference?

  29. RollerScrapper says

    I don’t know about sarcasm but the captain loves to overexaggerate to get a reaction from people, e.g. we go to a restaurant and asks for a table for 17 or he tells the nurse that we want to have 8 babies.  Strangely at least half the time people take him very seriously! ha!

  30. I can totally relate, and I respect your decision to try and be more aware of people’s boundaries and comfort levels. 
    I have a nasty sarcasm and snark habit, and I believe it’s my way of dealing with how much of a sissy I am.  I make most fights worse, and I am genuinely concerned that I could lose my husband someday, because of my excessive snark. And the part about not saying anything at all…that’s even worse than the snark. Thanks for writing this post. Good stuff. 

    • Thanks, Karin. The sarcasm has reached epic levels around here and I find that, more and more, I am surrounded by people who don’t like it and don’t get it…and so I’m just being offensive and rude in their eyes. I guess I should care more about this. I mean, that’s what an adult would do, right?;)

  31. When my ex left me for his secretary, she called me on the phone. I think she wanted to be friends…( that alone is disturbing) She asked why I was so upset, I mentioned that my ex left me for his secretary. Her reply was she wasn’t just his secretary. I said “Obviously”. I’m not sure I meant it sarcastically but to this day it remains one of my very best comebacks….

  32. Overly sarcastic?!?   I’m sorry, but such a thing does not exist.  Since you are correct and it does also stand for “wonderful” and “awesome”, then you definitely can’t have too much of it.  I mean who has ever heard of being overly wonderful or overly awesome?  Nobody, because it does not exist – ergo overly sarcastic doesn’t exist.  It’s a fact…trust me.

    Oh and if this shirt was cute and stylish, I would so get me one:  Nevermind the chick modeling it is pushing out her tits.  WTF lady?!?

  33. Once I was IM’ing with an ex-boyfriend and told him I was getting married. He got all huffy that all his ex’s move to NYC and get married and he’s alone. I told him he’d find someone. He ranted that all his ex’s tell him he won’t die alone.

    So I informed him I never said he wouldn’t die alone. Just that he would find someone to date. At some point. 

  34. I love how ‘awesome’ and ‘wonderful’ your posts are!  I am quite ‘awesome’ and ‘wonderful’ myself.  Unfortunately, I’m also a cashier who is forced to smile and pretend to be happy with stupid fucktards all day.  *Sigh.  The things we must put up with.

  35. I know you have read my blog. (thank you!)  You can see the level of special and awesome I am.  Honestly, I have that blog because if I let my natural sarcasm loose in the classroom, all my students would cry.  Total woosies.  I restrain myself a teensie bit at the university, but the flip side is every other relationship I have gets a higher dosage because of it.  Thank god my hubby is as snarky as I am.  And my cat.  I’m pretty sure she can mock silently better than most humans with a full vocabulary can.

    • Well, in case you ever need to let loose, just know you are preparing those special little things for adulthood and the REAL world. 

      Cats have a gift. It’s the eyes. Something about the silent but sarcastic looks they give. 

  36. i think i’m not sarcastic. just insensitive (sometimes). which is worse.

  37. Not precisely sarcasm, but as a teenager I came to recognise the entertainment value to be had in keeping a straight face.  Like when the school principal walked past and asked how I was and I replied, “dead, thankyou sir”.  He nodded and said, “good, good…” then two paces later did a huge double-take.  “DEAD!?”  So anyway, I come across sometimes as a lot harsher than I intend to.  Like when someone asks if they can have something and I snarl, “NO!” while getting out the thing they asked for and handing it over.  It was a while before I realised that not everyone knew I was trying to be funny.  Probably just as well I’m not working on a career as a comedian.

  38. FUCK NO it hasn’t. Especially around my in-laws whose language barrier helps them understand approximately 0% of sarcasm and therefore none of my jokes. Me telling them that I make a living as a comedian is like watching a legless man make a living in Brazilian Soccer.

    • Your in-laws not understanding sarcasm is probably a saving grace…but it also makes me sad that they are missing out on all the good shit that is coming out of your mouth. 

      I could just listen to you talk forever. I mean, not in a creepy stalker way, but because you always crack me up and sometimes, I have a “did she just say that moment” which makes me very happy.

  39. I’ve just stumbled across your blog, and only read one post, but I think I’m going to stay forever. I love this post like… so. fucking. much! Fabulous.

    Please, never stop being “awesome” and “wonderful”!

  40. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more “awesome” and “wonderful” … you’ve gone and done it again. :-)

  41. My rule is, if someone asks a stupid question (like why you love your daughter more than him — because she’s better-looking, obvs) then sarcasm is an appropriate response.  Because the alternative is clearly beating them to death and THAT might be construed as an overreaction.

    I was about to say that I don’t wax sarcastic because I usually jump right to frothing-at-the-mouth rage, but then I realized that would be a lie.  When I channel my rage appropriately, it is a beautiful thing.  Like the time I told my, “I’m so open-minded,” ex that I could feel the draft.  Or the time I told the, “I’m not stupid half the time!” school bully that ok, he was stupid ALL THE TIME.  I still snuggle up to the memory of his gobsmacked face on cold days.  

    • It’s like you read my thoughts…because really, I did love Cal waaaaay more than I loved Sam because she took the cake in the looks department any day of the week. =)

      Frothing at the mouth rage is one of my favorite and most used emotions. 

  42. Okay, it’s taken a while for me to get over here, BUT HERE I AM!  YIPPEE!  And I am totally digging your vibe (wow, is that a line in Point Break?).  The whole calves / muscle tone line was classic.  What a dick.  As for sarcasm, a finely honed art that only the supremely intelligent can appreciate. 

    • I am so happy to have you here! And totally embarrassed that it took me 4 damn long days to respond. 

      The problem with dating the men I’ve dated is what you just pointed out….only the supremely intelligent can truly appreciate sarcasm. 

  43. Elizabeth, sounds like you dumped the guy just in time.  I can’t imagine being with someone who’d prioritize me over their child(ren).  

    Sarcasm was my middle name when I was younger.  It gets you in trouble when you levy it on people without a sense of humor.  I know an awful lot of THOSE.

  44. Gooddayregularpeople says

    I don’t know if we can change, E. Seriously. I think this is it.

  45. All I can say is, I know you’re really a softie.  Deep deep inside.  Buried under all that funny.

  46. Glamamom says

    I too am trying to be better at those things.

  47. This post made me giggle. I love sarcasm. But a certain type of sarcasm. I am the absolute queen of pretending to be serious when I’m not. I tell you, it is one of the best qualities I have. My very favorite thing to do is to act extremely offended when I really don’t care. Through teaching dance, I have become good friends with girls younger than me (like in the 16-19 year old range), who become like little sisters to me since I spend so much time with them. It is so funny when they something to me jokingly and I appear to get genuinely upset about it. They instantly back track and apologize and they feel so bad. Then I laugh. Keep being awesome.

    • Ain’t teenage girls such a hoot to hang out with?? Sometimes, I feel like I am one of them (ok, maybe only mentally) and other times, I feel like their mom. I think it’s hilarious that you play around with them like that. That’s the Katie I know and love.