This week: Tell the truth.
It seems unnatural to me to tell the truth all the time. I believe in sparing people’s feelings, and lies are an excellent method of achieving that.Sometimes, you find yourself saying things like “I don’t have a phone” or “No, good sir, I’m not on Facebook” because it’s a lot kinder than “No, nu-uh, never ever.”
LYING SAVES LIVES. Actually, I’m not sure how that statement fits here, but it kind of makes sense, doesn’t it? It does. Trust me, it does.
Maybe you have a kid that plays soccer. Maybe another soccer mom is really getting on your nerves because her voice is a tad too loud and she says things to your kid like “play better” or “get in the game, Cal!” Here are some choices:
A. (chuckle softly, like a good-natured person) I bet we could work on our drills a little bit harder at home. I noticed that your daughter, Frittata, is playing so much better these days! Good on her!
And hey, I could totally relate when you rolled your eyes the other day because wee Frittata forgot her inhaler in the car and you were all, “Oh my god, I must really love you if I’m going to walk all the way back down the hill for you.” I mean, totally, I get it. Kids wanting to breath is so outrageous.
B. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I’m going to wipe the floor with your face.
Yes, B makes so much more sense because really, who would name their kid Frittata? And more importantly, who has the patience to chuckle softly like a good-natured person? Sometimes, you lie to maintain the peace among a pack of women. Most often, you lie to avoid a jail sentence.
I’m feeling brave. I’m telling the truth all week. I do, however, reserve the right to remain silent.
Do you ever fib to maintain the peace, or are you more of the “whole truth and nothing but the truth” type? What’s the funniest or most outrageous lie you’ve ever told?
P.S. I’ll be at Chevalier’s Books in Los Angeles this Thursday at 7:00 to do a reading of my essay “Liner Notes” from the book The Moment: Wild, Poignant, Life- Changing Stories from 125 Writers and Artists Famous and Obscure. I’d love to see you and fist bump it out.
I usually choose my right to remain silent…sometimes it’s really hard though. Who named the child, Frittata? You or her mom?
I re-named the child Frittata as her real name is significantly worse.
I really, really suck at being polite in these types of situations. I mean, I wouldn’t be openly hostile, but I’d likely just not speak at all to this woman. Ever again.
We’re on the same page. I plan to not speak to her. But we’ll see how that works out. ;)
I’m all for the lie to smooth a situation over nonsense. As for that mom, you totally should’ve wiped the floor with her. I would’ve bailed you out of jail, no worries.
The most ridiculous lie I told? Happened last week. There is a creepy janitor at my workplace who enjoys talking to me even though he isn’t supposed too. Last Thursday, he saw me walking across the lobby for lunch and asked where I was going. I said, “I’m going to have lunch with my boyfriend.”
Which is a lie because I don’t have a boytoy (yet).
And then on Friday morning he asked who my boyfriend was. I named my current work crush, Joe. Joe has no idea he is now in a committed relationship. Perhaps I should send him an email? But yeah, there’s another lie.
CJ (Creepy Janitor) stopped by my desk this morning and asked about me and Joe. I said we were about to be engaged and were living together.
So this lie has escalated a bit since last week what with my impending marriage (of course, you are invited). But eh. Anything to keep the creepers at bay.
You may want to key Joe in on this fib. Just in case he has an actual girlfriend and creeper sees him with her in the lobby or something. Then your story will be totally blown.
I am all for lying to the creepers. Just keep your stories straight!! :)
Oh, I know he’s single. We have this flirting courtship thing going on right now. But don’t worry, I’m definitely going to fill him in on the fact that we are going to get married.
And that I definitely want blue to be a wedding color.
Haha definitely fill him in asap! If your work is like my work, then the rumors fly rapidly. He’ll hear you are pretending to be engaged and think YOU are the creeper if you don’t act fast.
Who’s in charge of the office newsletter? Is there one? You should totally put an announcement in there. But…tell Joe first. I guess. I mean, I wouldn’t but you’re classier than me.
God, sometimes I hate the way Disqus nests these comments.
Amy, if you make me a bridesmaid, I will totally make sure this Joe+Amy wedding is tricked out in blue. *hopeful look*
You should tell CJ that y’all are polygamist. Also, please record his reaction for us.
Amy- Ohmygod, I would be *lying* to you if I didn’t fess up that this made my laugh my ass off. I hope Joe knows he made out like a bandit when he got you and that he shouldn’t be bothered in the least that he’s the last to know.
When I told him he gave me this look that I think means, “Hot damn, she’s crazy. But dammit if I don’t love her and want to ravish her right now on my desk. Her and that crazy… sexy…. ass.”
Or he just thinks I’m nuts. He did laugh and say okay. So now I call him schunkums and he just smiles and shakes his head.
I hope he knows how lucky he is!!
LMAO! That is too funny…impending pregnancy?? hehehe
OMG, TWINS.
This is turning into quite the life I’m about to have… But I’m sold. Preggers is next. But I think CJ got fired so… I’m single now? Maybe?
CJ or no CJ…I really like the life path that is unfolding here….follow it. ;)
I pretended to be my own twin one time to convince a professor I had mono and needed an extension on my final. And of course I faked…er, lied to my ex-husband for almost ten years.
It’s deceptive artistry like this that makes me know beyond a shadow of a doubt why we are meant to be bosom buddies.
Frittata sounds like one delicious child.
I don’t think I could go a week without lying, because then I wouldn’t be able to tell my coworker that her sweater was SUCH a good find at the Goodwill and it looks truly FABULOUS on her.
I see how this could be a dilemma. I don’t think I would survive either. But then…shouldn’t someone tell her that her sweaters are kind of….wretched. I’m not saying it has to be you..
OMG! I totally did the “sorry dude I don’t have a facebook” to some guy at the drive thru. only problem was, i looked down on my lap and saw that my phone was on facebook! i felt so stupid. oh well…after that, i sort of followed the whole “the truth will set you free” way of living but i think there are definitely exceptions to that rule.
ps. see you at your reading!!!
See ya Thursday! Yay!
I hope the dude realized you were just trying to be nice. Cuz he coulda gotten a hand to the face. ;)
I think you should go with the passive agressive way.
Bitch Mom: Get in the game, Cal!
You: Silently Fume.
BM: Play Better.
You: Frittata!! Try to play more like Cal! Yeah, do it the RIGHT way! No, no, no, sweetie . . . kick the ball to the other team’s goal, not OURS! Is that the fastest you can run? RUN FASTER, FRITTATA!!
You: (to BM) Isn’t it great that we can be so supportive and instructional to our girls? (angelic smile).
Wait, wait I have to write this down. I may need to use it on Thursday. Oh yes, girl, another game. Another chance at beating her up. I mean, what, what did I just say?
I’ll hold your purse and shoes. And I will be a witness when the po-po come to say she threw the first punch.
Oh, and as to the lying thing? I’m a lawyer. I never lie. Pfft.
*suspicious glint in my eye*
oh, and also, i will be needing my shoes.
weapons. duh.
I lay it on the line, every time. Hey the truth hurts, but you will get over it.
I thought Frittata was a food. Ha!
Me too. In fact I have been sitting here drooling since I read this. Waiting for lunch time and wondering where I can get some kind of deep fried battered fruit or something…
Jennifer: Deep fried battered something sounds so divine right now and I just had dinner. I clearly need some self control. And maybe a muzzle.
Brittany- Totally a food, but I had to think of a name fast and well, food has been on my mind lately.
Ok, so I just googled Frittata and ew! I kept thinking it said friatta which sounds more like fries or fried. But not an egg dish… :(
I didn’t start eating it until recently, but if done right, it’s pretty tasty. Also, it’s super easy to cook which probably makes it even tastier to me. ;)
I rarely lie, I just find the task of keeping lies straight in my mind (who I told them to, what I said) completely exhausting. So when I try to lie, it’s often hilarious. The summer before I went to college, I spent $99 on a VCR, but didn’t think my dad would be happy about it, so I lied and said it was my roommate’s. This lie stretched over three entire years – explaining that she let me keep it while she went abroad, then when we didn’t room together anymore, I “bought” it from her. And I think we both knew I was lying – I truly think my dad was amused, which is why he kept asking about it.
Hilarious! I do that to Cal too. “Wait, how did you get this extra pack of Nerds in your lunch box? Oh….uhuh…I see…I see.” And then I’ll just question her until the truth comes out or the story becomes so twisted I have to run to my bathroom to hide and laugh.
Also, I am now nostalgic for a VCR.
Sometimes I fib to maintain the peace. Mostly I remain silent and secretly plot peoples’ demises. Ah, eff it, I pick B.
Did you change names to protect the innocent child? Frittata’s real name is Quiche, isn’t it?
I enjoy plotting people’s demises. There, I said it. It’s truth week, after all. =)
and, OMG, how did you know her real name was Quiche????
LOL I read “do you ever fib to maintain the peace” as “do you ever FB to maintain peace” and I started laughing because I facebook things I would rather be yelling at douchey people all the time!
I went back and re-read. Why, yes, it totally looks like that. Which it totally the furthest thing from the truth for me too. I use FB to poke fun at other people’s inane updates and laugh at dumb pictures.
In related news, I am a terrible person.
I think I used up all (ok, most) of my lying abilities when I was younger – oh boy the whoppers I told when I was a kid! I’d inevitably get caught and look like a complete a$$, but live and learn. What did i learn? The truth, while it may be hard to say or hear, is usually the best route and easier to deal with in the long run. The big caveat here though is HOW the truth is presented. More often than not when dealing with crappy people like bitchy soccer mom or my own in the form of my step-kids’ mom is to keep my mouth shut, it doesn’t matter what the truth is, they won’t listen anyway.
just remember, if you do say something to her, make sure you have witnesses (on your side) and she swings first…. =D
These are total GEMS- yes, yes, I totally agree I need witnesses and she needs to throw the first swing. =)
You are absolutely right…sometimes, when people do NOT want to hear the truth, it’s better just to be silent. It’s hard being silent, though. That’s the part that gets me in trouble all the time.
I do one of three things.
1)chuckle and then make a sarcastic comment hoping they won’t get offended when they can see that this is a rebuff.
2)ignore them if I can.
3)say what I mean in the nicest way possible. This is usually telling them no. Although if they really get pushy about it it turns into a forceful no. And if they really won’t take no for an answer I speak my mind. *I do give them a few chances though.*
I LOVE your good-naturedness. Keeps me in check all the time.
Also, I think if they really don’t take no for an answer, you should push them in the face.
I’d verbally push them in the face. I don’t think I could actually push them in the face I’d probably have an anxiety attack while preparing to do so.
I’d let you push them in the face. It’s a good thing I have you around. :)
I love pushing people in the face. I love it when you let me do what I’m good at.
See, what happen wuz…
I won’t write that again but think it’s funny. I have enough true drama in my life that it would have to be a super tall tail if I lied to make myself more interesting. However, when I was an ugly duckling in elementary school, all the kids called me names and played tricks on me like some bad after school special. Luck be a lady! We got new neighbors that summer and their oldest daughter was popular and a year ahead of me in school. If I could impress her and we could become friends, then I would eventually be popular like in every John Hughes film ever to hit the silver screen. I might have made up some ridiculously outrageous lie about being so cool that I instigated a dancing-on-the-desks insta-party in math class one day. She totally didn’t buy it…she did however take pitty on me and spent the summer making me her bitch and teaching me about fashion, make-up and Madonna. I also hit a growth spurt that summer and my girls grew in. It could have gone either way I suppose!
“startled my sensitive nature”
I JUST DIE.
Fashion, makeup, Madonna and boobies carry a young girl far. And by far, I mean at least to high school.
Here’s a tip I learned in ol’ Kentucky (on my way to Graceland. Hollah!) regarding the truth…
When a southern woman does not agree, she has the most endearing habit of gently biting her lip and saying sweetly “mm’hmm”… Now, to the uneducated observer it would seem like she is agreeing, but NO! She is just disagreeing gently.
This is a good tip for adults. When in doubt about whether to tell the truth, try and keep your mouth shut for as long as possible until the feeling passes.
Hollllllllaaaaa~!
Uh oh. I’m now thinking back on conversations I’ve had with genteel southern women and if they’ve ever given me the lip bite mmhmmm.
Man, I’m going to start using this. All the time. This may be my only shot at acting like a lady!
All.The.Fucking.Time! (I’ve been holding back my fbombs for awhile so I’m giving it to you)
It’s like when I smile and people think, “Aw she’s nice.” while I’m thinking “:-D You’re a fucking douche bag!” Or when I say, “I completely understand.” when I really mean, “I completely understand that you’re a douche bag!” (I’ve been holding back my dbombs too obviously.. sorry honey)
Fuck yeah. Give em to me. All your F’s and D’s and A’s and B’s and C’s.
That….kind of sounded unclean.
Oh. My. Goodness. I am a “white liar” all the way. And not just to smooth things over. I’m an elaborator. I know, it’s a bad thing to be. But when I tell you a story that I think is awesome, and by the end of it you don’t agree, I will add in as many interesting and strange details until you feel just the way I did when I experienced it – so really, it’s not elaborating as much as forcing someone to enjoy a story as much as I do. That’s not as bad… Right? It is sooooo hard not to. Anyway – I lie to avoid hurting peoples feelings, but I also avoid them, or change the subject. Take this super smooth example… My brother’s fiance (and a friend of mine) wanted to come wedding dress shopping with me. I didn’t really want her to come.
Me: “I can’t remember what time my dress appointment is next Saturday.” (It should be noted I kinda forgot what I was saying here, so bringing it up was my fault).
Her: “Oh! I wanna go! It will be so fun!”
Me: “Ugh, I’m so not ready for the appointment… I wish I had more time to lose weight!”
Her: “I need to lose weight before I start looking for dresses, too…”
Crisis averted. I never had to tell her I didn’t really want her there. Ha ha!
Also – if that mother ever tries to tell Cal what to do, feel free to be as bitchy as you want. And for me, please tell her that she should probably apologize to her daughter for naming her after a breakfast food. Or just yell to her daughter on the field and call her Omelet, because an omelet and a frittata are practically the same thing. : )
OMG, I want to go dress shopping with you. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Ok, so totally a fantasy as we live millions of miles away, but that would be like, so rad, yes?
And forrealz, sometimes, when I’m telling a story and people don’t think it’s the shiznits like I do, I just want to keep adding shit in there until they’re all “oh shit, that’s the bomb” right alongside me.
Usually I’m polite out of courtesy, because I don’t have the patience to stand there and make someone look like a fool for making me upset. It adds wrinkles to my face to get angry, I’m trying to stay wrinkle free.
Although, sometimes the principle of “Fuck It” comes to mind and you just have to go ape shit on a bitch. Sometimes nice is not an option, then I say its open season on someone. You know like…
“Oh… that’s great…” when its really “bitch, I dont give a fuck!!!”
Note: I use bitch for men and women, I don’t single out a gender. Cause sometimes men are bitchy too, not all of you but some of you.
I am laughing my ass off at your gender equal use of the word bitch.
Me too. Bitch covers every gender, every inanimate object or animal.
Like- Where’s that bitch I use to brush my teeth? (toothbrush)
She’s such a bitch! (female)
That bitch ate my slipper! (dog)
I swear you’re inside my head or at the very least the little devil on my left shoulder (total compliment fyi). Lying does in fact save kives, like mine. My dad is very tempermental (aka plain crazy) and I routinely lie to him to save myself from fates worse than death. For example lat week he accused me of “negating my sister’s self worth,” when I asked her to take out the trash. When I defended myself he went off the deep end so in the end I conceeded, and totally lied when I promised to be “a more compassiona
Wait.. WTF? Asking someone to take out the trash negates their self-worth? But you should feel it’s YOUR place to do it? Doesn’t taking it out yourself negate your own self-worth? GRRR
Bec- Uh, totally the devil. Duh. And I take it only as a compliment.
I would lie to your dad too. And he’s not even my dad.
Frittata?!?
*laughs hysterically*
Frittata?!? Really???
*wipes tears of laughter from her eyes*
Just for future reference here are a few things you can tell her when she’s being a total judgmental bitch:
1. Cal is gonna eat her daughter for breakfast
2. Cal is gonna beat her daughter
3. Her daughter causes gas (just ask my husband, who is no longer allowed to eat eggs when I’m around…blech)
4. Omelette’s are better! (this should be done in a crazy declaration, followed by you running away)
Yeah I know they’re all a reach, but it’s Monday and I’m tired. It’s all I’ve got. LOL
Oh and I once lied and stupidly told someone that we were having out annual family reunion/Christmas party before Thanksgiving (I obviously don’t think quick on my feet). I lamely tried to explain that it was the only time we could get hall that year because it was uncommonly booked through December. From that moment on I was teased about celebrating holidays at the wrong time. At Christmas time “Happy 4th of July!”. At Halloween “Aren’t you excited to celebrate Easter?” Yeah, I should’ve just went to the stupid Party Lite party. LOL
Oh and BTW, if I have another kid, boy or girl, I’m so naming it Quiche. Don’t you dare try to steal it…I called it first.
Oh girl, you can totally have Quiche. I got dibs on Tostada though.
Hey, it’s Feb 1 tomorrow…A very Happy Easter to you, dear friend!
I lie so much, I’m not sure what the truth is anymore. And, it’s always to spare someone’s feelings. Case in point:
“that was delish!”
“You’re my first” (I told that one, like 15 times…)
“You look much younger than that!”
“White totally doesn’t wash you out”
Shit, that last one? It wasa big ASS lie, and a passive-aggressive way to get a roommate to wear an ugly dress to a party. I was irritated with her, and I have a constant reminder, because we took lots of pics that night. She’s the one that looks like a vampire-waaaay before vampires were cool.
What were we talking about again?
I used that “you’re my first” thing like 15 times too. I think it’s some kind of rite of passage. And forrealz, if they’re going to believe it, then I’m just going to keep on telling it. ;)
I can’t ever get out “you look younger than that!” without smirking so I don’t try with that one anymore.
It is nearly impossible for me to chuckle softly like a good-natured person, and I don’t need to be getting scrappy on the soccer field with Omelet’s mom. So I usually remain silent, it’s much safer that way.
Perhaps I shall bring some tape for my mouth to the next soccer game.
I hate confrontation so I am apt to lie like a rug and then passively aggressively blog later. What I really enjoy though, is heavy sarcasm. I’m all about passive-aggressiveness. I especially like to text sarcastically because as we all know, “tone” translates beautifully to text form.
I must learn your skills.
I try to be sarcastic or give a slightly chilled tone to those who have pissed me off, but a lot of times I get this:
“Huh”
I had a girlfriend last year who called me 40 times a day and texted constantly. I couldn’t enjoy a meal, have a conversation or do anything. I understand the need for communication, but it was ridiculous. I lied and told her I couldn’t afford my phone any more and had it shut off. I really did get it shut off, but went out and got a new one. I told her that my workplace said I had to have it and was paying for it. No one was allowed to have the number, since it was only for my work.
She broke up with me about a month later. I enjoyed the peace and quiet.
Jesu Christo…OMG…Shit….40 times??
I wish I could give my husband that kind of breathing room. I call him like 75 times a day. Just kidding. I swear.
I’m glad you’re finally enjoying some peace and quiet. Lock your doors and windows though. I worry about you.
I was just thinking of writing a post about lying – this is great. I believe so much in honesty and stick to it at all costs, even when it hurts ME – and I always get burned for it. And yes I am tactful. I will withhold saying something if it is hurtful. But I am honest to a fault and I feel woozy when I find someone lies, really lies.
Guess what – awkward moment coming up in 3..2..1.. Last night I dreamed I was doing social work in Iraq with a sexy guy. Yes, its that weird. We were driving from place to place, witnessing devastation and trying to help people. I asked who else was on the social work team and sexy guy said “Flourish” and I think he meant you. The we drove around more and made out for awhile, he and I. So there’s that.
Hanging out with sexy guys and doing good work? LIVIN THE DREAM! or rather….DREAMIN THE LIVE. Wait, but that doesn’t make sense. You feel me though, right?
I tell the truth even if it hurts. Some people call me an asshole and I am ok with that,
I get called an asshole even when I don’t tell the truth. And I’m okay with that too.
I once told a whopping series of lies in very quick succession. It was years ago, when I was pale, red-headed and slim and working in SF. I was having a coffee on a break, sitting in the sun in the courtyard of the Rincon Center. A very well dressed gentleman with a Middle Eastern look about him approached me. He introduced himself, told me he owned his own company (which did very well) and started chatting me up. Thank god for all those acting classes… I told him my name was Gwendolyn and I worked at the Harbor Court Hotel (not my actually hotel). Then he asked me to dinner. So then I told him that while I was very flattered, I also was married. He pointed out my left hand was bare. I had a beautiful ring on my right hand; my first engagement ring, actually. I told him my husband was Spanish and we had married in Madrid, where wedding rings are worn on the right hand. He walked away looking crestfallen.
A nice boost to my (at the time) quite battered ego. And better than the truth, which was there was no way in Hell I would dine with a complete stranger, no matter how successful he was or how much money he had.
Does this make me a bad person?
Definitely not! What kind of jerk tells you at the first meeting that he makes a lot of money or owns a business? Sounds like you dodged a creeper!
The man was actually pretty sincere. I suspect I looked exotically Irish to him and he just wanted me to know he wasn’t just a creep who trying to get in my pants. And to be completely honest, (the Monday Dare and all) I had recently had a nasty stalker situation w/ a Syrian man, so I wasn’t about to go down that road again.
Amanda- I find this as irritating as “that’s my sports car right there.”
Nope, when I go out I have a whole fake name and persona. It’s safer that way. Lots of creepers. LOTS. OF. CREEPERS.
I am so grateful, on a daily basis, to not have to do the dating scene anymore. One more reason to treasure my man!
Oh, I’m fully off the market. My bf knows about the fake name that I use and thinks it’s HILARIOUS. It’s just my way of keeping creepers away on girls nights. Trust me, even a wedding ring doesn’t do it.
Ah, not a problem in my world. I’ve become invisible, what with the wedding ring and the age. I got so excited when I saw a young guy at Trader Joe’s check out my ta-tas (tight teeshirt). I ran home to tell my husband!
Clark- if it makes you that excited, I’ll be sure to take a good long look at your tatas next time. I mean, I guess it’s not the same thing, but no one checks out my rack ever, so you’re still ahead of my game.
Random- I just need to find a fake name as good as yours.
Lady Clark- There is nothing bad about being a quick thinker and a non-gold digger. That rocks a’plenty.
I definately think that telling the truth and lying to spare feelings are two totally different things. Because spilling bleach on that horrific shirt or telling him that the sweater he bought you was ugly and you would never wear it in public, really can save a relationship!
Hope to see you Thursday! I may have some garbage pail kids for you.
Yay! Can’t wait to meet you in person. =)
I believe in withholding the truth for the health of a marriage. I just wish my husband knew telepathically that I really don’t like those black faux sneakers he’s been wearing around for 3 years.
I believe it depends on the situation.
“Do I look fat in this?” “Oh God, you look like a whale. I’m a friend.”
“Did you eat my fries?” “No. You did. Did you forget?”
“Did you spend $35 on only nail polish today?” “No. I spent $35 on awesome.”
My answer to the fat thing is: “You’re perfect. That’s why there’s only one of you. But those pants have got to go.” :)
Random- this is the nicest way of saying YES that I’ve ever seen in my life.
Wait just a goddamn minute, Noa. You used that line on me when i asked you what happened to my second burrito.
YOU JUST WALKED OFF AND LEFT IT THERE.
I see what you did there. Mmmhmmm. Now I’m all confused again. Nice work.
I try to be polite and give non-committal answers, but if you press me, I’m going to tell the truth. However, my husband and his family will tell you the bullshit they think you want to hear and then come up with really random objections to the things they just agreed to do. For instance, my 5 yo is in preschool 3 days a week, where she learns the shit she already knew from the past 2 years of preschool. When we asked my MIL to watch my daughter for 2 weeks, she said “Oh sure. But won’t she miss preschool?” Because I don’t usually speak bullshit, I was all “Who cares? It’s preschool!” It took a few weeks before I understood that what she actually meant was “No. I do not want to watch your daughter.” So, I REALLY hate the lying.
That kind of shit goes right over my head. I just need people to SAY IT PLEASE SAY IT LOUD AND CLEAR.
So yesterday when I was on my pegasus flying over head trying to locate french toast’s mom so I could give her my latest book – Parenting, Knowing When to Hold ’em and Knowing When to Shut the Fuck Up, I saw a pick-up basket ball match between some neighborhood kids and thought, why not. So I slipped on my Air Jordans, parked Pegi under a tree (he gets heat stroke, and no one likes to se a winged mythical creature vomit), and sauntered up to the court. They looked at me like I was a golden goddess, or maybe it was the custom shimmery gold track suit, and issued a mad challenge to a game of horse. When all was said and done, I had schooled the lot with my bomb-tastic skills. When they unanimously said “teach us your ways” I just looked at them and said… “I am not a roll model.” But if you all know where fruit rollup and her moms live, I may be willing to make an exception this once. They pointed the way and off Pegi and I went to give frapachino’s mom a lesson about manners but apparently… Pegi had other ideas. He saw some hot unicorn tail by the creek and that was the end of my day. I had to sheild my eyes from whatever was causing the noise…
Or I’d have smacked a bitch for you. Swear.
This was possibly the most believeable thing I read all day long.
Shit, I just lied.
Look what you done to me, girl.
I would never do anything of the sort. It is all factual, I swear.
Wow, I’m at a loss. I can’t think of a single lie that I have told or a secret that I’ve ever kept from anyone…wait…nope, not a one.
Oh, this is good. I’m going to bring all of my questionable outfits next week and put them on for you one by one.
“Does this one make me look fat, Bill?”
“Does this one ride up in the back, Bill?”
“Does this one makes me look like have three ass cheeks, Bill?”
I guess the craziest lie I ever told (that I can remember off the top of my head anyway), was when I was in high school. A friend of mine and I were cruisin’ the drag, because that’s what we did in a small town back in the olden days, and some lame dudes started trying to pick us up, so I told them I was French and didn’t speak English. I was taking French in school and they didn’t know that I was actually saying, “What time is it?” in French. Hahaha! Idiots.
I’m really proud of you for staying out of jail and not killing the little egg dish’s mom. Frittata? Wow. You have amazing will power, girl.
I am so pissed that I don’t live near you so I can go hear your reading. That is really cool and I’m jealous of everyone that gets to go. Have fun!!
Yo, if they didn’t know you were just saying one phrase over and over again, they totally deserved to be shut down. ;)
You’ll be there in spirit which is not as good because we can not share food and spirits together afterwards, but I’ll throw one back for you. Well, I’m on a cleanse, so by throw one back, I really just mean that I’ll have a big gulp of ice water for you. With love.
Exactly. They WERE that stupid. Haha!
I appreciate that ice water. Truly. I feel that love, girl.
=) xo
Unfortunately being honest without sounding like a down-right Bitch is VERY hard for me. I go from 0 to Bitch in 3 seconds flat. I find that it’s better to keep the peace by being nice but then i’ll curse you out behind your back. That is of course to those fucking idiots who deserve it. I’ve tried to be honest, especially at work, to my boss, but he only likes YES people so everything he says is great, the bomb etc. No real room for your honest opinion if you know what i mean. But you have inspired, once again, to try to be honest, In a not so bitchy way, whenever and wherever else I can. 0 to nice in 3 seconds flat- here I come. God fucking help this bitch!!
I admire a woman who is committed to her inner bitch. I mean, let’s say it took you a good 45 minutes to rev up into perfect bitch mode. That wouldn’t do any good. 0 to bitch in 3 seconds is a skill. A talent. A gift. Use it. Use it often.
We found out our baby’s sex 2 weeks before our “big” ultrasound but I told everyone we had to wait because we wanted to surprise people on christmas and also it was cool having a secret between the two of us.
I love this. So much. With all the technology these days, everybody can know your business in an instant so it’s nice to have something just for you and the future Pops.
I let a friend call me by the wrong name for a year and a half. At first I let it slip, because I didn’t know him very well, and it was easier to leave it alone. Eventually, recognizing my new name became second nature. Then, one day, he called me by my real name. Busted.
LOL. No way! You are too, too kind.
I totally think felt like a dummy. How did you react when he called you by your real name for the first time?
I think there are varying degrees of “truth” and “lying.” And I try to make sure my lies are more for my enjoyment. Like the time I told my brother that he *needed* to shave the rest of his eyebrows off so they would grow back evenly. I totally enjoyed that little lie for weeks and weeks. Granted, he figured out that I had lied to him the next day when he was sober, but I and dozens of others enjoyed his embarrassment so much!
But that biotch at the soccer field, she deserves to hear the truth!
I hope you at least showed him how to draw in some realistic looking brows with an eye pencil.
BAHAHAHAHHA.
I don’t think I tell outrageous lies. Probably just the polite ones.
With your astute fashion sense, you’re probably just saving us fashion fobs a lot of grief by being polite instead of honest.
Me or my wife usually just stare annoying people down (we grew up in the Bronx). Our look says, “You’d best shut the fuck up. Now.” Usually works like magic…
Teach me your ways.
I learn real gooder and fast.
I lie often. Mostly to get out of doing things or going places. Like, my son is not well, sounds better than I do not want to go to your fucking silly party – right?
Mos def. Or if I am at the unfortunate party, I will just say, OMG, I have a sour stomach. I have to leave RIGHT NOW. Instead of “I can’t stand your voice one minute longer or I will die.”
I once lied at a job interview and told them that I had a drivers licence. I didn’t. I subsequently got the job and spent my entire employment with this company telling further lies to shirk any driving duties. Honestly, I was exhausted.
This kind of story building is akin to a second job, all the time and effort it probably took. I am so fascinated right now.
I usually go one of two routes:
1- I don’t say anything. Because I’m not nice enough to lie, but too polite to be rude/mean. It’s a whole mess of Southern vs. Mean that mostly results in me saying snarky things under my breath.
2- I will go full on crazy-Southern-bless-your-heart-make-you-feel-like-a-dumbass about it. For example, CSBYHMYFLAD (see above) version of me would have told said mother the following:
OHMYGAWD! YOUR KID NEEDS HER INHALER? I’LL GO GET IT FOR HER! BLESS HER LITTLE HEART! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HARD IT MUST BE TO RUN LIKE THAT BACK AND FORTH WHEN YOU CAN’T EVEN BREATHE? I MEAN, I’M SURE YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS WHEN YOU WORK OUT UNDER YOUR PERSONAL TRAINER RIGHT? I CAN’T IMAGINE WATCHING MY LITTLE CAL GASPING FOR BREATH JUST TO PLAY HER LITTLE HEART OUT AND MAKE ME PROUD!!!!
And re: the “Play better” comment I would have totally holier-than-thou-arted her…. “We don’t believe in making Cal feel as if she’s anything but perfect. She is a wonderfully complete and delicate flower, and her father and I believe that constant praise and adoration is the only way to mold a wonderfully successful adult. Please refrain from damaging our child.” :D
You have given me mounds of good material here. So much, in fact, that I don’t even know where to start.
But seriously girl, “Work out UNDER your personal trainer” ?? Why you gotta be so clever like that?
I’m going to start throwing “delicate flower” around school so much, motherfuckers are gonna ban me from the premises.
Mission accomplished.
Mission: accomplished! :) I would ::LOVE:: to hear the story of how Elizabeth got kicked out for blessing hearts and calling Cal a delicate flower.
Hehehe, the best part is you know fritatta mom wouldn’t get the “under” comment until the next session ;)
I always tell the truth or I keep my peace. That’s me. :-)
Spoken like a true lady.
I’m not much on the lying thing. I’m kind of known for speaking my mind, but I will *attempt* to refrain from speaking if the subject is hurtful, because I really don’t like to come off as an a-hole all the time.
I don’t think you could come off as an asshole if you tried. You’re much too funny for that. People get distracted by the humor. =)
Hey Mama Pajama – I’m planning to come to your reading and even cancelled a chemical peel so my face wouldn’t look like a deep dish pizza pie, but can you give me the address to the joint? Yes I could google it..oh alright, I’ll google it. Shit.
See you Thursday.
I’m usually either truthful or silent, because lying has never really worked for me. At best I can prevaricate, as I did when I needed my high school to let me take the make-up SAT because we were going to be out of town for my grandpa’s 80th birthday.
Me: I’m going to visit my grandfather. He’s almost 80, and he’s had two open heart surgeries. They don’t think he has long to live (all absolutely true, because who has long to live at 80???).Principal, dragging me to guidance counselor: You HAVE to let her take the make-up test! Her grandfather is dying! Me, thinking: Whoa, this whole “truth” thing is really open to interpretation.
Sometimes, I find it’s easiest to just say a few things and then let the other person fill in all the blanks. So, it’s not really lying…but….
Glad you got to kick it with your “dying” grandfather and still make up the test. =)
Hmm…I commented, but it’s not showing up, so I’ll try again!
The biggest lie I ever told, that I can remember anyway, was in high school when I told some guys that I wasn’t interested in, who were trying to pick my friend and me up, that I was French. I said I didn’t speak any English. Actually, I believe what I was saying was, “What time is it?” in French. I was taking a French class that semester and that was the only phrase coming to mind. Ha!
I’m proud of you for not getting arrested because of an idiot parent. You’re better than I am! I feel bad for little, Frittata. Poor kid.
P.S. So exciting about the reading! Wish I lived closer so I could attend.
I put up with a lot and try to swallow my anger when an adult is rude to my kid in my presence, but I would have been all up in Frittata mom’s face if I had been there. I wonder why that is? Does that make me a bad mom? I’m going to try to make it to the next game, btw, so she better behave or shit’s gonna get real…
I won’t be at the next game, but fill me in if any of those ladies get….cray cray.=) Or they act like chickenheads.
I’ve been told (mostly by men…ok, a man) that I can be ruthlessly mean and can make one feel like “less of a man”. I think that’s poppycock. I think that one should tell it like it is, unless you’re telling me something that I don’t want to hear.
I value the friends who tell me exactly like it is…until they start saying things I don’t want to hear either….then I just run away.
I prefer the word “diplomatic” to lying. As someone who has to deal with ladies who lunch and dilettantes regularly it comes with the job. Of course when I’m not working and some dude pulls up next to me at a stop light and starts honking and blowing kisses I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
In that case, I am excellent at being diplomatic.
I have never had this happen at a stop light. Can’t say that I’m not a little jealous. =D
Don’t be jealous. It seems the only guys who hit on me these days are the ones who drive hoopties or leave notes on my windshield torn from brown paper bags (probably bags holding their 40s). Guess that’s what happens after 30.
You get kisses AND love notes?
Giiiiiirrrrrrrllllllll, tell me how you are working that shit!!
I have levels of truth. Random people I don’t tell if they have spinach stuck in their teeth, but I DO tell my friends. And if they don’t tell me, then I suddenly think that either they enjoy my slip up or they would rather not be awkward for the 1/2 second it would take to let me know. But I have learned to always lie about my friends’ spouses. No matter what, they are juuuust great and I enjoy their company. You can’t get between someone and their shagbucket.
SO SO SO SO SO TRUE
I learned only last year that you can’t say shit about your friend’s partner. If you hate the shit out of them, you just say things like “I support whatever you want” or “I love it that you see the best in everyone” and then I turn around and silently make a gag face. =)
So they say, ” There’s a best time to shut up.”
So I do.
Yup, that’s boring. So, once in a while, I lied.
I just wish I knew that best time to shut up. =)
When I was 11, I discovered that if you LOOK like you believe what you’re saying, people will believe that you’re right. This is a dangerous power to discover. And it’s entertaining to tell people who don’t know any better things that you know to be untrue & ridiculous. Fortunately I also realised that with great power comes great responsibility, so I’m not a supervillain now.
I do tell the odd fib to my mother & mother-in-law. “How am I? I’m perfectly fine!” “No, of course I don’t mind that you’ll be half an hour late to the lunch that I expected we’d be eating RIGHT NOW and which has been ready for the past 10 minutes”. That sort of thing.
See, this is why I don’t have great power. Because I would just abuse the shit out of it.
Hey, next time your MIL or your mama is half an hour late to lunch, call me. I’ll come and eat their food and we can chat and have a nice lunch and when they show up and demand to know where their meal is…just point to my belly. ;)
I have a strict honesty policy. That is probably the reason that most people think I’m a bitch.
I think that most people could stand to be a little bitchier. =)
LOL frittata. oh e, you’re awesomely bad.
I like being bad. Let’s be bad together.
I’m lousy at lying. I therefore have developed the ability to say true things in less abrasive ways, some of the time. :)
Usually I just piss everyone off when I plunge into something where I should have kept my mouth shut. So I keep my mouth shut a surprising lot, you know, compared to what I could have said.
I would give my left arm to be less abrasive. Okay, well, maybe not, because missing my left arm would probably make me very, very abrasive.
Teach me your ways. ;)
No seriously, I get it. I am so the same way.
Lying saves lives
Amen, sista.
Totally gotcha. I have to bite my tongue when my friend’s devil child comes over and whips frisbees at my plasma, pushes my kid, and hits him sidelong in the face with a giant tonka truck and she says “oh, isn’t Andrew playing so much better?” When I really want to throw the kid out my window!!
I have (or had) a friend just like that!!! I really, really liked her but I couldn’t stand her kid so I had to stop hanging out with her! I wish I had come up with a better solution, but I didn’t want to see my kid cry every time she played with the little devil.
I usually start out as the good-natured chuckler. I pride myself on being a skilled reflective listener.
And then I snap.
LIke this week at the bus stop watching the older kids taunt my kindergardener in a tag. I yelled at them to start playing fair. The mom of a 4th grader was all doe-eyed and like, “What? This is how boys play. We all know boys will be boys.”
Lying would have saved lies. But my cover was already blown. I just walked away.
Because really, any response to the “boys will be boys” would have been followed by a string of obscenities.
Ooooooo OR A THROWDOWN. Man, I wish we lived closer. We could be each other’s throwdown assistants. Or um, you know, hold each other back or something since we’re supposed to be adults. ;)
I’ve used the lie “I can’t hear the ringer on my phone” so often that even my best friends no longer have my number in their contacts list. Oddly enough, I was offended when I found this out…
If you make me your best friend, I promise to have your number in my phone.
Bet it was was a mighty quiet week… lol would love to say what’s on my mind at all times but it might get my ass kicked!
Why yes, yes it was an unusually quiet week. ;)
I value not getting my ass kicked too…or going to jail. I just wish I cared about myself less so I could go around mouthing off all the time.
im new to your blog but Im hooked.. your hilarious!
thank you. you just made me blush. or maybe that’s the cocktail in my hand.
I think we have to differentiate between lying and walking around the truth like a tap dancing lawyer. I try to be very honest at all times, but there are moments when the truth won’t be pretty. You know, like if someone says, “Gee, Timepiece, do you want to come watch this ridiculously stupid movie that just opened this weekend? I’ll get popcorn!” Honestly, I’d rather save my money, but instead my response is more like, “Oh, I didn’t even consider going to that movie,” and I suck it up and go. I think that there are moments when the truth won’t help, but in general, it’s better to be honest or else you end up in worse situations later on:
[Far-fetched example] Your friend makes some concoction in the kitchen that is apparently food. You say it’s not bad (huge lie at that point) and that you like it so you don’t hurt said friend’s feelings (why are you so freaking nice!?). Now, your friend makes that witch’s brew especially for you.
[More believable example that affects you] You decide to try a new hairstyle/fashion/obvious physical beautification and you ask your friend/spouse/family member if it looks good. To make you feel good, they say they love it. Now, you look a hot mess until someone decides to tell you otherwise, bless their honest face.
I can never, never, never tap dance around the truth when a friend or lover asks me if a new beautification they’ve tried is working. Also, I should add here that the only person I can lie to about that stuff is my mom. Bless her, but the woman was not graced with a lot of style, so I just try to be really supportive about whatever she tries to do. ;)
Yo, if a friend started making a specific horrendous concoction just for me, I would, you know, have to de-friend them. Have we talked about how mature I am lately?
ha…the best lie i ever told was in fifth grade(:
My BFF and I were on the bus…and we had both just finished the book we were reading in school, along with the rest of the class. We both wanted the next book, and my freind goes, “Ill just get it at the library!” Then this other smart mouth on the bus decides to chip in and tell us that they dont have anymore whatsoever at the library and the waiting list was sixteen people long. My friend then goes, “Duh, i meant ill get it from my aunt in upstate New York!” Me: “She’s a librarian ya know (;” however, my BFF really didnt have a librarian aunt in upsate NY…and then whenever the smart mouth kid asked about it we told him that she was doing fine out there in NY…having a great time :P Six years later…here this kid is….still believing that my friend has an aunt whose a librarian in upstate NY. We talk about her all the time…and apparently she lost her job and now owns a zoo with a monkey named Elephant…and we’re going to visit the aunt that doesnt exist over spring break. It’s gunna be awesome!
BTW…I <3 FRITATA!!! OR…SHOULD I SAY QUISCHE? (; ha
What a coincidence…I have an aunt just like that! Except mine lived in Canada and owned a horse ranch so all the girls in my class who dreamed about one day owning a horse could be jealous of me. ;)