Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.
This week: Win the lottery.
I don’t want to dump a shitload of shocking information on you during the holidays, but I think we know each other well enough for me to divulge difficult things from time to time.
I’ve never won the lottery.
Hold me.
For several years as a kid, I forced my parents to order magazines from the Publishers Clearing House. I just knew I was going to be one of the lucky few featured on those commercials. You know the one: flashy van, big cardboard check, cheap helium balloons, and lots of screaming. Since I wasn’t yet the legal age to win, I asked my mom to be the frontman for the operation, and in return, I would cut her in on 15% of the winnings.
“It’s always a good idea to get in on the ground floor,” I told her repeatedly. Her English was shaky at best, so she didn’t really understand me. If we’re being honest, I didn’t really understand what I was saying either, but it sounded good. Besides, who the fuck cared if I made any sense? I was going to be rich.
Each year, my mom ordered one or two magazine subscriptions. I had a system; I never ordered the popular magazines. Only the especially obscure ones would do. I felt that it gave me a certain edge over the sad fools who ordered their Sports Illustrated or Good Housekeeping.
I just knew that my orders for Africa Birds & Birding and KitPlanes would catch the eye of the right person at the Clearing House, and they would think, “Yes, this person here really deserves a million dollars a year for the rest of her life. Let’s go and change her world.”
They say the best revenge is living well. Personally, I think the best revenge is living well and knowing the inner workings of homebuilt aviation, courtesy of my two-year subscription to KitPlanes. Oh hell yes, you want a piece of this??
I entered the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes today. I find out on February 29th if I’m a winner. My thinking is that yes, I have this one in the bag. Just to be safe, I will also purchase a lottery ticket from the corner market. AND, I will also give Cal additional homework to do during winter break. That way, if nothing pans out, she has a fighting chance at securing a good job. I will just mooch off of her hard work for the rest of my life.
I plan to use my winnings wisely. I asked Harv to track down the complete set of Garbage Pail Kids trading cards as a Christmas gift. Guess what wasn’t under the tree yesterday?
What would you buy if you won the lottery today?
image via blueq.com
