Archives for November 2011

Monday Dare: Yes, you too may use this idea

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Read gooder books

Hi. It’s good to see you again. It’s been a while. Like…a whole week. It was just really hard to write a blog post from jail.

JUST KIDDING. I SWEAR. Also, to the people who I used to date that have previously been or are currently incarcerated- I was not making a dig at you. Y’all have taught me everything I need to know in life about eating whole meals with just a spoon, even tough pieces of meat, and creating fine weaponry out of toothpaste caps.

Going to jail is one of my biggest fears. That, and mothers of ugly babies asking me what I think of their offspring.

I try to be prepared for all of life’s obstacles, so I’ve devised a plan to keep me out of the shithouse if I’m ever doing time.

After watching a lot of movies about incarceration, it’s clear to me that people who are locked up like to earn at least two masters degrees (usually, one of them is in psychology or religion) or acquire useful skills they can use “out there.” They seem to like to read a lot. That’s when this brilliant plan came to me. BAM!

Prison book club.

I can see it now: Women badly in need of eyebrow grooming and dental work, shedding a tear or three over the last few pages of a touching novella, comparing notes about character flaws and the Mametian twist at the end.

So, I need your help. I’ve had the misfortune of reading a lot of terrible books in the past few months. What’s your favorite book of all time? Anything you’ve read lately you’d like to suggest? I’d like to gather your recommendations. Just in case.

Monday Dare: This urge overtakes everyone, yes?

Every week, I challenge myself to a Monday Dare. You can click on the link if you’d like to see the full list of Monday Dares or learn more about its origin.

This week: Refrain from thievery

One of the drawbacks of being able to shop again is that most things I want are so expensive, I just feel like stealing them.

I was at a fine shopping establishment over the weekend. It’s so fancy, I don’t want to make direct mention of it, but it begins with “N” and ends with “eiman Marcus.” I don’t normally go to that joint because I feel like every one of my moves is monitored and the sales people are the kind of classy I don’t even aspire to be anymore, but I had a gift card.

I spotted a pair of sequin shorts that were amazing and…sequined, which is the same thing as amazing so I guess I just repeated myself. But really, these shorts were so fantastic, I nearly lost my mind. Sadly, those bitches cost $345.

And since my gift card was for $50, I was trying to figure out a way to explain a $295 charge to Harv for a pair of shorts.

Then I thought about stealing them. For a full five minutes. Maybe I could make a mad dash for a side door. Maybe I could point at a nearby shopper and yell out “POOR PERSON!” to distract everyone. Instead, I ended up walking around the store, shorts in hand, looking for things to buy for $50. Let’s be real, $50 at said fancy-shmancy store is like having a 38 cent gift card anywhere else.

I spotted some chocolate bars. Awesome. I like my family…mostly…so maybe I should bring home a little treat. Then, I noticed that each bar cost something like $18 so I could really only buy 2, and I’d still have to steal a third if we were all going to be enjoying dessert after dinner.

I also thought about buying some lip balm, but apparently, if you replace the word “balm” with “salve,” you can charge $28 and it’s all good. I’m partial to my cherry Chap-Stick with its skin protectant/sunscreen SPF 4 for less than $2, so that didn’t seem like a good option either.

I walked out with my gift card still fully loaded and no new shorts. Because I believe in karma. And I’d probably get hit by a bus or, even worse, get some major new eye wrinkles.

Also, my bag wasn’t big enough.

Have you ever wanted something insanely expensive? What was it? Did you steal, I mean, buy it?
image via