I’m coming over. Hide the good stuff.

Do you know what thrills me? When I receive an invitation to visit a friend’s home.

Usually, this requires multiple assurances from me before the invitation is extended that I won’t steal anything or break anything or spill anything. I’m not above making promises I can’t keep to get inside someone’s home. Once, a doorknob came off in my hand before I even entered. I still maintain that it can happen to anybody.

Once inside, I try my best not to do any extra looky-loos, even though I’m fascinated by the things that make up a person’s private life. Why? Because I’m not good at masking my true feeling. If I catch a glimpse of the 36″ x 48″ brushed canvas family photo above the fireplace with everyone in stonewashed bedazzled denim jackets (including the dog) holding clarinets, there’s a high likelihood I will lose my shit, and where would the evening go from there? Only down. Trust me.

Sometimes, when my eyes wander, I’m pleasantly surprised. The other day, I stopped by my friend Jae’s home before lunch. His home is modern and sparse and devoid of anything that hints at human emotion. I spied The Alchemist on his counter, splayed open to mark his spot, and it gave him new dimension. To me, his selection was especially telling and ironic.

Of course, there are the other kinds of discoveries. Like a massive decade-old McDonald’s Happy Meal toy collection displayed on every available surface. I won’t confirm or deny the fact that when I tried to clear a small space to set down my dinner plate, the homeowner rushed over and slapped my hand away. I also won’t confirm or deny that she spent the next ten minutes polishing the disturbed toys with her hot breath and wiping them down with the edge of her t-shirt. She hasn’t asked me back since.

Don’t let this scare you from inviting me over. I promise not to steal anything, break anything, or spill anything.

What’s the weirdest or funniest thing you’ve seen inside someone’s home?
image via flickr.com

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